by Chris Madoch
Shortly I'll be off to get the Sunday paper. The Sunday Mirror to be exact. Well, it gets me out of my high-rise low-life flat. The Sunday Mirror- it's intended to reflect our small lives back at us bigger, better. I've never been in it. But then, I'm not eighteen, a drop dead gorgeous dog with massive tits. Then again, I do have every intention of being newsworthy one day.
And that's an ominous promise.
This life is proper untreated shit, raw sewage like the Spanish farmers spray on salad crops in times of drought. You'd be amazed how many people have no idea what a farm looks like, smells like. Everything comes shrink wrapped or out of skips.
Mass ignorance. There is no escaping it- the abiding, overriding stench. No matter what the fuck you throw at it.
Now, they got what they call dirty nuclear bombs, well. Fuck me. That's all you need to know- bombs that blast disease willy nilly with consummate ease.
Cleanliness has no more relevance. Dirt up- it's the new black.
Sucking a peacock's cock in the considerably over romanticised Elizabethan age- imagine that; rolling back the grubby foreskin, liquid blue cheese.
I've read Patrick Suskind's book 'Perfume'. It was a journey of necessity. Forget the disappointing film. 
Here. Listen. I heard this through the paper thin walls the council calls building a short while ago.
'You're wearing perfume. You smell rank girl and you want me to thank you for a shag with 100 quid. There were skid marks on your grey knickers- I'm deducting 20 for that. Cunt. Pull another stunt like that and you'll be off my books. You're losing your underage looks. Got a fear of soap and water have you? Or has Christ got to you and you've suddenly decided to go all retro hippie on me?
When I lick your kipper cunt, you cunt, I want those cunt lips clean and tasty- you listening to me. I like mopping on prawn pussy when I'm watching my gay porn. 
Hang on.
Excuse me while I fart.
Ooh! Better out than in.
Beans. I been eating baked beans.
I have alternate meat and veg days. It was a veg day yesterday. Have a smell of that. Heinz. That's a proper smell that is. Can't you tell? Fuck me! It's a million times better than your street-market imitation Chanel muck. Muck. It sucks. Fucking sucks it does.'
Nice. Oh yes. Good memory me. Almost perfect recall.
Just a neighbourhood taster for ya.
Lived here for years on disability benefits- its not just the aftermath of Thalidomide, its the Major Depression Disorder caused by the aftermath of the Thalidomide- the bullying, the failing eyesight through all that repeat form filling. Small minded office workers love minutiae. I'm missing most of an upper left limb. Good thing it turned out I was right handed.
It has real feelings- my human squid. I flip out if anyone calls it my flipper.
It's Sid, Sid my squid.
Whenever I have a shower I give it a right soaping and, guess what,- it always gives me a stonking erection. Never fails.  Like I said, bloody good thing I am right handed. Though, all this time on me own, I have developed a great and possibly unique technique for achieving full orgasm without hands.
The mind is a marvel innit- a fucking marvel.
I lie naked on the bed, curtains open, touching nothing, just flexing the glutinous maximus, pressing my coccyx hard against the mattress; my mind does the rest. Shooting your load like that is like stumbling into Nirvana- heavenly. Messy mind, but fucking heavenly. I fantasise that in an adjacent tower block some grunt bear, still deep in the closet, has got a telescope and his cock out; that his obese wife catches him catches his ejaculate in her peach tissues.
I'll take you with me if that's alright with you- invisible you may be but I'd worry leaving you alone up here. Fifteenth floor.
The last tenant flew. He was a tub of lard; how he squeezed himself through the window was quite the mystery. There wasn't much left of him. Had to be dealt with by a shovel of sorts. Did you ever see that series of images by Andy Warhol 'Purple Jumping Man'? He was jumping from much higher- you know, New York, so he was almost mush on landing. I always remember that curious cop in uniform standing over the dead lump, he had a spade in his hand. Andy see, he had an artist's eye for detail. What a wizard.
No. We won't hold hands. You're making me repeat myself. I only have the one and I usually tuck the paper under Sid the squid. Got it?
The long concrete landings give daily lessons in perspective and patience. There are estates in Paris much like this- the future made to inflict the facelessness of urban hell on an imprisoned underclass. Graffiti somehow gets to be self-defeating by being almost impossible to read but at least in this place it is sprayed in English of a sort.
In Paris it would be so street to cut in the odd English word but here the appearance of any French words would seem utterly absurd.
Yet I kinda hanker after seeing the word 'baguette' in brazen neon pink screaming on a linking footbridge, knowing as I do that that long bread stick is a lame French slang term for cock. Fresh from the bakers, who could stop themselves breaking the warm end off.
I survive here and, yes, I have the temerity to think.
Come on.
Mind the flattened dog turd and the painterly trail of trainer prints.
We take a sharp right. 
Sudden, ironic- black graffiti in support of the UK BNP, grass root fascists in a place where grass grows like comb-overs on bitter old bigots.
I am well inured to the blood red words 'nigga cunt'. That would seem to be the absolute limit of these guys' creative rage- it is exactly why I am not in the least frightened by them.
Yes, of course, I am on their lists.
I like the fact that I am on their extermination lists on three counts to date. In fact, I have made it part of my future life's work to create a fourth reason for them to have me oven baked in a state of the art stalag on the Isle-of-Wight.
I have watched a film of human bodies used as large candles- unsurprising, not gripping. You can buy wax candles as big as bodies at the shrine at Lourdes. The bigger the candle the better the chance of getting your petition answered by the Virgin Mary. Bollocks.
Indian families can be quite careless with the makeshift pyres of loved ones on the banks of the Ganges; often only half-burned they are kicked into the unclean depths and left: yes, left to be hooked out by a gang of cheap labour at the next dam employed specifically to snag the bloated bodies.
The 'holy river' is a thick and dangerous viral soup by any scientific measure.
I always remember this when I'm inclined to wince at the sight of used knotted condoms decorating the local swings- glossy grey Tibetan prayer rags hung from metal trees, seats varnished with the stain of children trying to deflect distress, the breeze carrying low-notes of their unscrubbed mess. And that's on the ground.
Yes, I'm on the BNP's fucking low-brow lists- Alex Biddens, Gatling Gun Tower: disfigured and disabled, half-caste, shirt-lifter.
The Front- that's a laugh, a lot of them are all front that's for sure.
I've had some- young guns wearing braces and number one heads; late teens and curious.
Clean as a whistle.
I don't do anal but I got plugs that switch the prostrate on.
I get these rabid heteros cumming and crying for joy at one and the same time. Then, mostly, they kick my head in- very half-heartedly mind, almost tenderly. The screwed lambs.
What they want is a real full blown war.
That's what they're waiting for.
What they desperately desire is the chance to participate in a life-size Xbox game, certificate eighteen. They wanna shoot the proper brown bollocks off of all living breathing fundamentalist darkie terrorists. Yeah! Just like most Americans do.
And they love Big Macs and pack banter about gang raping virgin apes on the rag; mugging Downs' boys, breaking into a mortuary and bumming dead bodies.
You picked a good day- the two man cesspit of a lift is working.
I let the rumblings of the Eastern Block mechanism do its unpleasant worst. Habit is such a cunt. I always stand here and let elevator disaster movies flood my mind then turn to take in the view such as it is.
Semi-industrial. A theme park for the uglier aspects of aspiration. Molehills of deconstructed cars and mountains of factory retail outlets. Tile wholesalers. A cramped garden centre.
It might be the last time I get to see it and, because it might be the last time I get to see it, I see it again for the first time, as if I were a recently housed refugee, maybe, from some distant desert war zone where 'sand' is so removed from being a chic colour of paint and 'blood' is real, caused by a nail bomb, not by something artfully distressed that costs a fucking bomb for those pillocks who live in clover on distant hills- utterly cushioned against the least of beastly ills.
They may have lost a wife in childbirth. The baby too. Gone home and drowned the poodle.
They may have sought a crumb of fame at the BBC and been interfered with for their trouble.
They may have been less than vigilant on holiday in the sun and lost their young teenage boy to someone grey, well able to drift away into the mists of Grecian history, his motor nondescript, his garage a shrine to gaffa tape and whatever else a predatory paedophile needs to effect the perfect rape in plain sight.
Sweets. Swish techno treats. Gags and chloroform.
Family, friends and the authorities eventually following a cold trail. A life-boat launched. Home tabloids screamed at. Ribbon campaigns routinely spread like rampant acne. Appeal spot on the TV- networked worldwide. How they cried.
When whoever [pick a number] is done to friction sores with a blonde kid like that, they make a snuff movie, saw him into bits and use him for shark bait.
I think so.
It is a little known fact that the Mediterranean is one of the breeding grounds of the Great White. Like to spread the news from my area.
Clatter. Shudder. Bang. A comic cock in permanent felt tip gets split in two as the lift doors open. Ugh. Disgusting.
I always gasp at this regular intrusion.
It is like being belched at by a chain-smoking Bukkake tart, freshly fuelled by a large measure of rum and a lamb kebab drowning in brown sauce; very strong undernotes of commercial bleach, defeated Febreeze, stale urine and obvious fecal matter; an overlay of something expensive and out of place, a hint of Chloe.
On the floor a discarded Ferraro Roche wrapper and a JLS condom carton.
Hell! I could be persuaded things are on the up.
We're going down.
Get in then.
Lift tragedies are extremely rare. So rare as to not be worth a second thought.
My insane dwelling on them and the joys of claustrophobia run into multiples of ten before we finally land- my small, implausible, invisible friend and me.
No dramatic jarring as the descent into this other hell ends; just a startling influx of light as the doors open.
There in the toughened glass stair-well stand two waiting Indian ladies wearing blinding saris and bindis, both laden with full carrier bags from the local pound shop. They do a wide range of food stuffs now.
Their eyes immediately spot Sid my flipper. I make it dance, fiddle, dance for them.
They giggle like dazzled UFO hunters, fans of Derren Brown- look through my peculiarity, the gods have special things in mind for me. Kiss my clothing.
I smile and mumble something vaguely ethnic. Its worth it to make the effort.
I love that acrid mix of sweat, sandalwood and patchouli. Think to myself- they must miss the burning of their relatives on pyres.
Maybe they keep them in large re-conditioned chest freezers and wait for the British 'Bonfire Night'- November the fifth. All the major bonfire sites have signs saying no fly tipping but they are always ignored- especially by peoples who only have English as a second language.
Habits are so hard to break. The casually lit candle bodies- how removed are they from hard drug addicts anyway? Not much.
We all burn out in our several ways.
In the gutter a litter of take-away Styrofoam containers stained with old curry and crushed hypodermics. A ragged, fearless, bird absurdly bathing in unclean dust.
We stopped at the eight foot high, rusting, wire-mesh fencing intended to keep kids at play safe from predatory pedos. I slumped against it like an orang-utan, one hand high and gripping the cold metal string, making it sing small urban anthems. There's that band Stomp. They hit dustbins with sticks. They hit anything tin with sticks. Is that hip or shit? And who is it decides?
No kids here today.
No teens sobbing, reading 'Dear Jane' letters over and over; not letters, texts.
Half of the fuckers have forgotten how to write. That's some way down the road to total illiteracy. The bleeders don't even read porn.
They're all for the easy life and total suckers for graphic pictures.
Now and then you see escaped porn pictures torn from very explicit porn magazines happy to ride the thermals between the tower blocks. They're right tearaways- these escaped kites launched by terrorists against political correctness and all things fluffy.
On a sunny day they loop the loop. 
You get a sudden flash of a gaping cunt, tree high, followed by a stiffie pumping unlikely ejaculate. Some argue that that was what manna from heaven was- God's loving spoonfulls.
What a wanker.
On a day when the rain was light, I saw something similar attach itself to the monkey bars in the playground. You're not allowed to call them that anymore.
Beautiful black boys like to exercise their youthful muscle on that silver apparatus.
For all sorts of reasons you keep your banana in your lunch box with your Twix and stuff. That's what the powerless Community Police advise. I was told.
These witty young black boys, they've been known to chuck banana skins at them.
That brought a broad smile to my face. The twisted logic.
But why would you wheel a custom painted baby carriage in there? Because that's what's you do. You are fourteen and you have a baby and you have no idea who the father is.
You were taken to the fucking ground blindfold- not a peep out of you, and the whole gang had you. Spare me the penile details.
So you gets this half decent buggy from the social and in it is this thing in pink surrounded by a yellow stink and you think what it needs is fresh air.
Look at this place.
It is the u-bend in one of the many toilets of Greater London.
Did the kid shit before or after you left the flat that the authorities gave you for your troubles, you sad little cow? My bet is that you're a lazy bitch.
You sits your shitty nipper in the cage swing.
Happy days.
We can see her nappy off-loading unpleasant contents on both the ups and the downs. Why the fuck can't you?
That's right have a fag.
When you've finished you can stub it out on a used condom.
Nice shoes. Bought on the drip from your mother's catalogue. Lovely. Not much life in a suede pair though.
You're still not thinking as a survivor.
My first sighting of a paedo came when I was barely eleven.
I was in all white. It was the height of summer. White tee-shirt, white shorts. I was sat on top of a tennis umpire's ladder. Lads my own age, mates, were having a tournament on grass. All boys. Nobody gave a toss who was watching.
From my vantage point, between matches, I spotted the weird bastard.
He looked like, I imagined then, what an old gardener was supposed to appear to be- slightly stooped, baggy high-wasted brown corduroys. Short little fucker. Seemed old to me. He was clearly wanking through his right trouser pocket. And him noticing me noticing me brought him to a frenzied climax.
I watched him shuffle off with the gait of a lame spaniel. Maybe the war had ruined him. The word paedophile was not then in my lexicon or in many other peoples'.
But the grass courts were watered, green and pristine, and the clubhouse smelled of warm pine planks and roses. If we dropped litter it was purely accidental and we always picked it up.
Come on, ghoul, or there'll be no papers left to drool over.
The windows of our very convenient, all hours, sells everything Pakistani run Convenience Store, Post Office and Newsagent with a delicatessen counter are blinded, put out by steel planking, bolted on. It has to be very strong.
The whole building is surrounded by a henge of terrorist strength reinforced concrete bollards to fend off incursions by criminals in stolen vehicles.
I marvel at it.
Step inside the magic circle and I feel significantly more secure.
Step out with packages and I become a target for muggers.
Inside, the shop smells of a fresh baked chapatti crossed with a warm two day old sock. The rabid colour of its myriad contents makes everywhere you look seem like a Pollock canvass. This must be positively embraced or you would turn and run out screaming and the whole point of leaving the flat would be rendered utterly pointless.
Every other day I cross this Rubicon to dice with spices and speak with a welsh accent to a man with a brown face who does the same kind of thing back to me.
North west India the most likely root of all Europeans.
It's just the paper I'll be having for today, Mr Store. The usual yes. The Daily Mirror on a Sunday. Exactly. The Sunday Mirror. Love the pictures. They make my day they do. Can you see my friend. No of course you can't. You can't, Mr Store, because nobody can except me. Tarah then. No. Not The Star, never The Star my friend. Not that rag.
In comes an old dear with her wheelie shopper; she reeks of stale and fresh wee. I smile. It's a lie- a feeble attempt to cover up a grimace.
She's wearing Shar Pei tights and a coat that might have started life before the war. On a lapel she's got a real rabbit's foot brooch.
She'll have had that for years- for luck.
What fucking luck?
That wig's seen better days.
She always spots Sid my squid. I wave it a little and watch her morbidly shiver.
What a beauty she is.
The embittered and bigoted old blameless bitch. Navy-blue does nothing for her.
Come on ghosty, lets suck a holed, but perfectly round, Polo mint together on the polished concrete neighbourhood bench covered with solid, well weathered, lumps of bubble-gum, Basquait cocks and misshaped swastikas- most of them ironically invoking peace.
On the side of houses in Nepal you find them both side by side- colourful giant cocks with balls and wings and ancient signs of peace that only ding-bats would confuse with Nazi emblems.
China is there now, denigrating everything once considered holy and eating everything that breathes. Dipping barbecued spare-rib girl babies in chocolate like they do ants.
They've made such a cock and balls of communism- the neo-fascist capitalist cunts.
My cock and balls ache. Is it a sign?
I've got a migraine in my testicles.
The unmade bench, even if signed by Tracy Emmin,  could not have got into the RA's Summer Exhibition where predictability holds sway most years because of the stalwart dears who grip tight to the cheque-books. They are very much still purple rinses halfway up the arses of the St Ive's School of discovering landscape in still-life and life in stilled landscapes and hybrids of the two.
To listen to these people you would think that originality had deserted the working classes completely.
There were painters groups among the hard working tin miners of Cornwall but they were never in the eye of the shaker maker glitteratti and, had they been, they would have been dismissed as 'primitives', 'naives'.
None of those cunts would have said no to having a Lowry or two stashed away in their lofts.
Signed by Tracy Emmin RA, the riveting bench might have helped her win a Turner Prize. [Kids had by local tradition lost their virginity on it at dusk] Filling a large glass crucifix with your own piss could work the same magic for your trophy entries on LinkedIn.
Now there's a thing- Tracy come full circle from the avant garde to a Royal Academician with little more than the drawing skills of an ape obsessed with body fluids. Menstrual discharge a constant favourite. Only women bleed. Women are the niggers of the world. Those old chestnuts. She had all the advantages of a proper education. Higher.
I read about her alleged conversion or epiphany from a traditional wild child to something way more tragic and infinitely more profitable- she had her own bonfire night in the small back garden of her East End flat, burned all her prior paintings in a smoke-free zone. The rebel.
Had she really seen the light or caught the bug of filthy lucre from Damien Hirst and his sycophantic crew. You do the maths. From that day on she never looked back.
I went to see her unmade bed.
Where was the novelty? Let me recall.
Back-page. That tosser bastard manager of Manchester United is spouting on about how he believes that no premiership referee would ever resort to such arcane behaviour in the middle of a match. The ego-maniacal plonker. I have Scottish friends deeply embarrassed by his fucking god-like strutting.
Let the fuckers separate from the British realm. They'll feel the cold without Trident.
I would build a giant wicker man and put the likes of him in it.
The horrid and inexplicable bagpipes would be more than welcome to drown their screaming.
Deep down in me an animal can still stir, make waves; indeed, it makes me no better than anyone else.
This recall. I often sit here on this bench and recall things. They sting.
You. Take a forensic look around us. The waste-bin cages at either end of the bench have no fucking waste bins in them. They were racing green. Someone with green finger's lifted them to pot up Mary-Jane plants for a south facing balcony.
Look. Is this ancient and modern litter art?
Tarts' flyers. Well, they demolished the telephone box. Only the base remains. The local kids painted that blue and play out their own version of Dr Who on it. You can't blame them.
You can't blame them. They've all been poisoned by Disney and reality TV. It's not a good mix. These kids want to click their fingers and be whisked away.
Now I know this, and I am, by no means, NOT the predatory paedophile that vile Sir Jimmy Saville was.
The knighthood was a papal honour by the way.
How apt is that, after the fact.
Predatory paedeophiles, the current buzz label, know that we have bred generations of 'lost' wannabe children who dream of entering a Tardis and fucking off to elsewhere; anywhere to get away from home.
Why don't their thick as shit parents know this.
Up the duff at thirteen, it does your head in, that's why. The fags, the booze, the looser tag.
Shit. I get so easily diverted.
This recollection.
A morning after the night before. Regret the elephant in the scummy room.
The first of three awake in a small double- me, a black one and a yellow one.
I do like my ethnics.
The South Korean boy had pubic hair as stiff as a nail brush. The Jamaican had wine stains and only one-eye working. The grey white sheets had been starched with spunk. Nothing at the windows but loud Hawaiian shirts.
The floor a rash of Muslim mats- probably jacked or a job lot. Assorted shitty rubbers. Mugs. Ashtrays. Fag-ends smoked by faggots getting their end sucked. Polaroids of an enthusiastic spit roasting.
Tender ugliness.
I know what you're thinking- did I catch anything. No. Never did. Never got pregnant. Never ever did sport an unwanted kid.
That black guy had a small cock though. See myths can be proper shit.
There are black guys on YouTube complaining of the unfair expectation.
They make small BMW's now- hatchbacks.
But that bed bed there, the glee bed, we was all sixteen, that was altogether on another level from Tracy Emmin's pretentious heap of crumpled bed-linen, bras, knickers, and used tampons.
Come on! Alex Biddens, Thalidomide,  fucking RA.
Hang on. Here's trouble coming our way. My arse is flexing.
Shall we go or shall we stay.
Too late.
Great. That is the way with fucking fate.
Six of them stand in front of us, staring with malicious intent at me and my invisible familiar. I wave my Sid the squid at them. Not a flicker.
I've had two of them. Total recall.
It is Sunday. They're all bored and off their heads. Six bicycles. Two baseball bats.
Not what you'd call a social visit.
They call themselves The Cubans. None of them could place that island on a globe. Three whites. Two blacks. One in-betweeny. Eldest nineteen. Youngest sixteen.
My kind of party.
You looking for the football scores lads?
They hung St Sebastian in a tree, JC on a tree of sorts.
My ritual twig turned out to be a Bus Stop sign attacked by knock-off hammers and spray paint.
Some Green Party lesbo politician on the local council drove through this mad initiative to have hanging basket hooks put on all the Bus Stops in the council-tax catchment area. Being something of a pessimist I had always seen the dark side of this ill-thought move.
The very poor make plants a low priority- more so in the middle of a double-dip recession.
If the authorities saw fit to hang abundant baskets within the gift of all and sundry it was a given they'd be nicked. Free plants, compost and containers makes gardeners of the most hardened slags.
Not all the criminal fraternity find it impossible to cry.
Gangsters in touch with their feminine side- it's by no means just a gay fantasy.
Ask any prison officer with an eye for detail, someone anal enough to religiously put entries into a five year diary and keep it locked.
Digression has some power to dissipate pain, but by no means enough.
They hung me up roughly by my fawn hoodie; the armholes cutting deep into my moist armpits.
They bound my booted feet.
They unbelted my kecks, laid bare my ginger decorated genitals; the sudden fresh air strange, chill in concert with a rush of fear. I orange pissed myself.
They laughed, whooped, jeered.
I brown crapped myself.
They all clapped at me, picked up the loose stool, smeared it on my Sid. God!
God forbids nothing much.
The old lady from the Convenience Store passes by, the wheels on her shopping trolly chirping like spring fledglings.
She sees me in grave peril, waves like the Queen and goes on, doing diddley squat.
She is God! Yes.
She is fucking God!
And SHE has just forsaken me.
The gang are shaking cans of gloss black spray paint. Cellulose. Up my shitty arse it goes, under my damp foreskin, EVERYWHERE genital. 
That is me black-balled, made an untouchable.
No chance of those gracious Indian ladies saying prayers to me now, no gift of sacred saffron cake, no handmade necklaces of fresh marigolds.
I've always been an undiscovered deity on the back foot.
The point is, wraith, we are all of us, no exceptions, messiahs of something. 
There's a spare view from my fogged hospital window.
In the mid-distance, on mud recreation grounds, there's growing some social fungus- a phallic neo-pagan tower of hedge clippings, pruned spruce and broken pallets. Tomorrow they'll be dousing it in petrol and setting light.
Fireworks. Family familiar delights.
Who will go missing that night, under the cover of  legitimate terrorist sound effects. All sorts of perverts revel in the magic lure of sparklers after dark.
I go on watching until the sky goes velvet blue.
They shaved me. Very sore I am from what they called a penetrating clean.
Look on the bright side, there is no STD known to science which could have survived that.
Of course I informed the police. The NHS make sure you do.
Still part of a community, I suffered convenient memory loss. I know my rule book.
The ward is all men. You'd think that was a plus. But no.
Across the ward from me, his face deeply acne scarred, a veteran of the Iraqi conflict has been having immense bowel troubles. No graces are being spared.
It is a war zone crossed with a porn movie. I am not turned on.
They've got him naked, on his knees, in a vast see-thru plastic balloon. It has the effect of distorting all his features. Something, with his challenges, he could have done without.
There are two male nurses wearing top to toe see-thru plastic coverings. I quickly get the gist.
Approximately ten minutes previous they'd shoved a large suppository up his bum.
The drug works fast. It's always used as a last resort and careful preparations need to be made.
The NHS guys are watching watches.
My eyes meet with my fellow patient's eyes. You can read his arriving realisation.
He is so right.
It was rapid, violent and not pretty.
The two men held the ex-gunner while he heaved and exploded shit in various arcs; bursts of arcs as his strong frame twisted on the bed.
You live to see such things, amazing things that verify life.
Like this new 'art-shit installation' thing, a lot of the other things verify that life is indeed unadulterated shit.
We foolishly sully it with our pretensions to being the least important. 
Every day I tell myself- this truly is as bad as it gets.
I'm being discharged tomorrow.
My prostitute battering neighbour is driving me home. There's a turn up for the books. Turns out he really likes me.
Like- he REALLY likes me.
I got myself a right scary minder who loves it up the chuff.
I know I said earlier I never do anal but, when a relationship comes knocking, you've got to be prepared to be adaptable.
In the gay personal columns we say- versatile.
It's no news to me, a gay Thalidomide, that there's always going to be a game to played.
You've got to make yourself fit according to the cut of your communal circumstances.
If you don't do it or don't get out, one or the other, life will, too soon, be the death of you.
Chris Madoch copyright 2012. All Rights Reserved.
TIMECURVE: 2040. Old heretical calendar. 20 New calendar.
FACTBUZZ: In 2021 it was finally shown that the sum 1+1=2 was indeed arguable and could not be taken as a given. Additionally it was proven by what was then perceived of as the greatest experiment since the beginning of humanity, that the great Darwin, whilst on the right track, had gravely underestimated the rate that evolution could proceed in the right conditions.
SENSOID: Another night of a dark Moon. The Sun more visible than yesterday. Swarrots- patrolling in squads of six, each with a potential 12 foot wing-span, animated the air between the home-towers. Each flight seemed to have an intimate knowledge of the drawings of Escher. Chatter via patterns. Tick tickings. A multiplicity of clicks. Various levels of droning on. Earth in 20 sang a novel song.
There were now so many of them in essential employ that the infernal chatter of the insects was quite impossible to shut off without ear plugs. Even the memory foam ones only partly worked. Besides, the irritating and counter productive idea that you could listen-in on bug banter was compelling.
Learning the several languages was one of the great modern challenges.
As with Welsh they had absorbed directly absurdities from American-English and Mandarin so there were barbs of familiarity to hook deep into your lips and tongue. Everyone got caught.
The Sects, as we now called them, were credited with complex ethics but very little emotion or anything approximating to it. They just got the job done. Nathan had always suspected this was not quite true- he had often interpreted laughter, sniggering and sometimes what could pass as sorrow. It would be dangerous for him to share this with anyone.
He'd been in the End-Cell for four of his five final-final End-Days now- time enough to lay awake and hear in the darkness how wrong we had eventually become.
He was certain now that we should never have escaped our total annihilation.
It was rare to sight a Sect informally these days but they were there, their numbers in the millions of billions. You'd see them on net-screens doing their version of suited and booted- most of them in authority seem to have fleshed out like anorexic North Koreans. The winged ones were almost always cloaked- the last thing they ever wanted to be associated with were fairies or nonsensical angels. The Slugs and all the other mucousoids, essential as they were, still seemed a bridge too far. Crossing it was diplomatically slippery.
None of it mattered. He was so happy to be leaving it all behind.
Without the Bees it would never have been possible.
And even the Bumble Bees were quick to concede that without the nuclear disaster of 2019, the planet and everything living on it would have been beyond saving. Fast-track evolution quicker, slicker than the speed of bullet trains had transformed the eco-sphere into what some insanely and indelicately referred to as a state of salvation. To talk unguardedly of grace was outlawed. Getting listed might follow.
Nathan had done far worse, got away it for years. Then.
A mistake too far is all it ever needs. He had taken Melissa's remains to the eleventh level- the roof-top, the fake but functioning forest canopy, and laid them on the legal feeding place of the flying Piranhas. This time, maybe it was a suicidal act, he'd taken a tea-light with him and lit it. The flying Piranha took immense offence at the stench of fire. Their ire crafted consequences. 
[Nate was old enough to recall the old water closets of 2013- then, even the highest end u-bends needed some degree of H2O, thrust or suction. Thoughtless.
Nobody gave two shits about automatic toilet-seat heating. Your arse with its glutinous maximus and its vast reserves of fat could do a good enough job on its own with minimum carbon emissions. How comfortable was it necessary to be to take a crap?
Anyway, Nate hated being in those usually cramped places- they almost always made him question if he was in fact alive, properly alive that is. There had to be more to being than just the fair input, the routine through-put and the foul output.
How close we were to worms in fact thrilled the pants off him; and were we that much more sophisticated. These were the questions of a boy with four pubic hairs, and no interest whatsoever in girls or anything much more than himself.
His mother was dead. Old fashioned dead.
His sister also absolutely died in the old fashioned way in the same tragic accident.
They were both blown off a cliff-top  into deep water at Porthtowan, Cornwall, 2010.
Severe skull fractures from first head-butting the rocks; it had been decided that they had both been unconscious before drowning or dead in the old fashioned way before entering the sea.
It had been blowing a skittish gale that day.
The sea, some said, had grown fat lips and was hungry, was of a mind to seek out human hits.
A different form of a strange lifelessness hurriedly clothed Nate and his father, the last remnants of the family, with more questions than answers.
Why was the electric wheelchair still there? Nathan's sister rarely left it out of doors.
Not a tear dropped between the two of them, he remembered, they seemed just not possible, as impossible as the feminine being suddenly missing from their lives. Yet both phenomena haunted them with a drab truth.
At that time his dad owned an Audi TT- reliably German engineered, in blue with a light caramel leather interior; it's efficient emissions still high enough to attract a punitive tax. But the seats were heated- brilliant in winter. Here's the point.
They were fine: however, until you got used to the effect, the first impression of their warmth, was that you had pissed yourself. Absolutely true. Unforgettable.
Twenty seven years on, Nate still hated evacuating his bowels or his bladder. Ever. This near phobia rendered him subject to an annual psychiatric assessment. It irritated the fuck out of him and he'd had enough.
Shitting and pissing when it happened, happened in what most people referred to as the 'Out-Room' now- water was far too precious a thing to waste on the mere disposal of waste, indeed what water there was in the waste, needed to be extracted from the waste, made biologically safe, then re-cycled. The technology to accomplish this feat had fortunately kept pace with the growing need.
Insects and microscopic bugs had finally come to our aid big time.
Yes. It was just like that had been the plan all along. And that sort of neo-religious thought had no business in the mid-life crisis of a creative thinker like Nathan Shadbolt- one of the few that had been granted Enduring Indispensable Status. A form of virtual divisional kingship.
It put him above the new rule books.
Mankind had moved on.
Yes. Yes. There was the good and the bad in everything, that much had not changed one jot.]
SENSOID Seeing the Swarrots- a hybrid of Australian Black Swans and Amazonian Parrots, patrolling the streets in the hope of netting vagrant life-forms was one of the few joys of ever returning to ground level. Nothing could outwit them. As they soared into the heights, with their catch, parasites and other symbiotics would attempt to jump ship. The sight would almost always trigger memories of leaves leaving trees in old Autumn. Specialised Swarrots always swooped and scooped them up- the variety of frantic noises emanating from the whole affair sounding quite orchestral. Nathan had only seen this operation from ground level once. Most days he would be entertained by an overview of it obtained through the glass walls of his Hash Platform.
With the status, the coveted E.I.S, came a prime living-space and matching annual credits suggestive that it was all worth the hassle. There were many hassles. Life is always full of catches. Not the least of these was having to attend the weekly Elimination Boards where he was one of three who decided if someone on the death-list got reprieved from it and, if so, for how long the reprieve would stand and what conditions would apply.
Case practice was that the breaking of any reprieve conditions would result in automatic execution. Of course a remarkable number of people, finding themselves in this situation, triggered the process as a form of assisted suicide. Of its kind, it was the cheapest form available on the planet; nothing much gets cheaper than free. The hidden costs- there are always those, meant that you had no say whatsoever in the consequent farming of your organs or any body tissue.
Wait until I tell you how you get your name attached to the death-list in the first place and how the waiting has begun to be seen as such a life-transforming thing.
First we do the tour.
Dr Melissa Ormond 294682 has just arrived.
Nate takes me to his loathed Out-Room. 'Here' he tells me 'This is what you must see.'
Ah! I am playing the plumber. The blunt end of his nimble wit. But, in reality, [if there still is such a thing] and he knows it, I am his annual assessing psychiatrist. There is nothing in this new world of ours without conditions. I only hope for his sake that he hasn't gone all retro on me and 'found' religion.
The Out-Room is blood red. Everything. It raises a flag. He spots it fluttering.
'Yes' he said, 'Three weeks ago I had the decorators in.'
I noticed his smirk. 'What was their brief?' I asked.
'Anything that didn't say feminine and something guaranteed to strangle thought.' He was still discomforted by the former paradigms of women, still plagued by that gnawing need to explain existence which always arose in the proximity of crap.
'They nailed it.' I said.
I'd not been to his 'stately' home before.
I got the distinct impression that maybe nobody had unless they'd been contracted to.
Nate was a natural at being the tour-guide. Yawn.
'As you can see the finish everywhere is akin to what a high fingernail gloss used to be, 'Raging Cherry' they called it. Impec. Wonderfully responsive to high tech suction cleaning. The door can be made air tight from the outside where you can start the process. Part of which is a lock-down of the pan itself to protect the bio-mechanisms living within. I'll tell you the truth. I've never got used to it and I don't think I ever will.
Benign organisms and other symbiotic life forms happy to live in one's shitter, eager to drink, feed, to please with their cleansing lips. The auto blow dryer. Bummer- just saying.
I know the principle.
If ever I produce a bead of sweat I would regret missing it- feel a lesser citizen. I hope I always find them and lap them up.
These benign living things make everything that I excrete either palatable- liquid or solid, or combustible in industrial furnaces constructed to contain and recycle their emissions. Sweet.
Melissa, my suspicions are this was possible as early as just after the second world war but there was no profit in it then. The Rothschilds when asked had said no. I know it.
The thing is, should I give these creatures who dutifully attend to my arse-crack and prepuce names. Well, they deserve some form of respect for the vital role they play in water and protein supply to say nothing of personal hygiene. I wouldn't want it it to be my role in life. Though I am familiar with the fact that Henry VIII had a Master of The Stools- an arse wiper, a very elevated position in the kingdom. No-one has ever suggested that any licking was involved.
That inference got abroad and applied suitably to 21st century politics.
I do sometimes have the odd nightmare where rogue versions of these lavatory species have been bred, maverick grubs that view my arse as a portal, a star-gate or a black-hole. I rather like the nightmares, they remind me just how human I still am, in part.
Come with me and see the Hash Platform. We may sight a Swarrot catching.'
I knew I looked disinterested. There was not a fuck in any of this for my restless cunt. Shit. This Nathan Shadbolt hid his base cravings as deep as the Atlantic Trench. There was not one clue for me to hang any lewd suspicions on. Damn.
Routine. Mental health hygiene- I was not much more than a Jungian dustpan and brush.
I was in mental health prior to the commencing of the new calendar. The new regimes saw no point in putting square pegs into round holes. They had a valid case.
I was put where I fitted best for all concerned. Immediately all delusional ambitions to be anything else dissipated. I stopped writing poetry:-
Today’s torture Bible is as large as Gods- a brick
Of equally sickening convolution: every trick
From water-boards to repeat electrocution.
That it exists is not in question
Nor is the fact that it is constantly referred to,
Preferred to The New Testament and acted upon
By greedy angels in their twisted element
Of widening the heavenly divide between rich and poor.
That’s when our biology least guarded
Admits the drilled retarded beasts
Skilled in rote
Who come cleaving our dreaming
Heavy hammered harsh of throat
To bag our heads
Then play us loops of lupine screaming
Whilst we are stripped of more than dignity
Taken raped- each word the other apes;
The darkness and the noise blurs meaning-
Meaning crimes are always easily erased
As almighty Mammon gets openly praised.
[The ‘removed’ in Indonesia
Inconveniently blocked the shipping lanes
With their ‘lost’ bodies.
Argentina, Chile and Brazil-
They are accounting for the ‘disappeared’ still.
Iran, Afghanistan and Iraq-
These are not forever darknesses
Where marks of blame will stay hid by the march
Of sameness and fast-food outlets.]
Where is there any semblance of regret
As you orgy on your next HD flat-screen TV set
Oblivious to the fate of us
As you drool on the priorities of your gene pool-
The experimental mutants only you perceive as beautiful.
Melissa Ormond.
Yes. Best laid to rest. Fuck! Those insane Neanderthals built all those arrogant churches in the midst of wide-spread poverty when there were millions of homeless waiting to be housed. It could not have sent a more disgusting message. Yet they were loved and trusted for it. Believe that; and you have no choice but to believe it because it is fact- then you are well  primed to believe anything that takes your fancy.
I was housed, watered, nourished and kept comfortably rich in credits. It was a fair exchange.
Trade. That old staple.
In return they batted off any chance of my suffering any mutation.
My life- and that is all that mattered to me, continued where tens of millions perished one way or the other.
And now I have the executive power to order death or transportation or both. Quite the kick.
The whole scheme was dreamed up by Sects- most particularly a hybrid of bees and ants, The Beants. What else would they be.
It was strictly forbidden for anyone to refer to them as God's work.
At last, transparency the like of clear glass- every creature in its place or fucking else; find them another place in another galaxy and get rid, or instigate absolute death, the total recycling of all their constituent parts. It was a win win situation.
Indeed. A human being, in any case, remains mostly water- pure mega-ultra-credits on the open market.
The lesson was already there in 2013, in India, waste not want not, but we all ignored it. Never again. The Beants insist on it.
All the new urban sprawls took nature, as was, as an architectural inspiration- to call them sprawls is unfair. They are webs, intricacies and structural intelligences. Nothing higher than eleven floors as yet though buildings reaching to thirty three are envisaged.
Were they buildings or were they simply replacements for the missing trees? The debate still rages. We have them working much like rain-forests used to.
They interface with space and exercise some control over climate.
The first and the eleventh floor of every 'tree' is purely functional. Between there are nine living levels which are inhabited according to status.
I live on level eight. The unit I occupy is smaller than Nathan's.
He is immensely privileged, dwelling on level nine- not with a Hash Window Box, not with just a Hash Balcony but a whole Hash Platform where four people could dine in comfort- two could sleep, suspended above the gap between his tree and the next. The slight sway perceptible.
His hash plants are many and lush- could not be in better condition. They scream of immense wealth and position. He is wearing a black synthetic second skin, a real silk waistband in sulphur yellow. It suits him. The belt must be an historical artifact, allowed to people in power.
He asks me take a seat. The unassuming seat self-regulates to snug my butt.
He offers me a refreshment- see-through fluid rendered to taste like fresh spring water used to.
I am so bored.
I really want to tick all the requisite boxes, get him to sign the official document and go home. There could be nothing more routine-routine than this.
'How do you use your plants?' I ask him.
'I press them to extract their juice without damaging their unique medicinal qualities. Cold, they give no psychotropic effects whatsoever, but they constantly repair and service the immune system among other things.'
'What a waste.' I knew immediately I should not have said that.
'I could bake them in protein mix. Effectively a combination of our recycled piss and shit and the pulverised bodies of farmed grubs but once heat gets to the hash it releases volatile drugs that have always made me projectile vomit. Not very pleasant.'
'I see.'
'Yes. It is very disagreeable. We should not be talking about it.'
'Why not?'
'Well. Firstly smoking is forbidden. You should know that. The rules are very clear. Secondly the plant may only be used for medicinal purposes. It has been proven that proper juicing is by far the best way to achieve that end. That is why any other process is outlawed.'
'So you did know. The question is did you comply?'
'Yes. What are you implying?'
'It did rather seem to me that you were implying a knowledge of its use for recreational purposes.'
'Of course. I am a psychiatrist.'
'No. I meant for your own personal recreational purposes.'
'That is absurd. I absolutely deny making such an inference.'
'Everything here is recorded as you know. In all the ways know to the Collecting Services.'
He was not joking.
I rapidly ticked all the requisite boxes and gave him the form to sign which he did immediately. He was going to have me investigated. I was sure of it.
'You're desperate aren't you?' he asked, 'I can sniff it.'
He was right.
I offered him sex.
He said, 'Wait there.'
He got on his coms, did the deal and we both waited for the coms to blink again. I should have left but something told me I would be dead before leaving the building.
His strange associate shortly arrived. Very shortly. He could even have been living just across the common hallway. Yes, I was terrified but I was not in the least surprised.
Brad, a level nine credit trader, is a Beant and Human first-cross. At least one third humanoid, the rest more bee than ant.
Nathan Shadbolt had come clean at last, he was a watcher, a bleeding OCD deviant.
I was just about to be sexually abused for vicarious entertainment by a very high ranking hybrid and there was nothing I could do about it. Even now there were kow-towing citizens spiking my personal abode with the necessary convincing evidence to my trumped up crimes.
This must have happened a hundred times previous, maybe thousands- to all genders.
I observed lamely as Nathan calmly scanned-in my report on him and pressed proceed.
I was a dead woman.
Brad started wanking close to my hair. Nathan's eyes were fixed on the ugly creature's cock.
Fuck me! Nathan Shadbolt was in love.
There were high pitched clicks and a much lower buzz.
Maybe the spunk would taste of honey. But flowers had gotten so rare. My mind drifted to the possibility of human tissue honey- liquid sweet-cure bacon.
Slavery always was. It never ended ever. It proliferates both on and off the planet today. It should come as no surprise. Read on.
People disappearing has been a feature of mankind's existence from the very beginning and despite the many restarts of human civilisations it remains a seminal part of what happens to us.
In the well thumbed part of the archive you get such things as 'A Dingo Stole My Baby!' and 'My Wife Was Abducted By Aliens!' no body or body parts to say otherwise has always been welcomed by conspiracy theorists, the clinically stupid and those inclined to start cults or invent evermore delusional religions.
The sheer madness of not ever bending to reason must be integral to what it is to be human.
And we were always expressly forbidden to breed such insanity out of our own species even though we proved adept at such things when it came to the domestication of animals for our farming and hunting needs or for the sheer delight of exciting ourselves with the circular and self-serving conceit that what we called beauty we could promptly apply to as many aspects of nature that we could lay our God-abiding interfering fingers on.
Rational- not in the least.
We became the beast without in the least suspecting that it was the self-same beast of our own making that broke our sleep and made our nightmares unbearable and lingered well into the cold light of day.
Meanwhile all the knowing insects were populating- biding their insectoidal time.
Each to its own.
To every living thing a purpose about which, being human, we should always have been very careful not to presume a thing.
And in this one sphere alone all religions brought general and specific destructions on us.
Millions of people were disappearing without trace in 2013.
Without trace meant that no-body anywhere could be bothered to care much. And yes, some of those chose to perform the magic of constructing new lives.
It has never been that difficult to do that in fact. The biggest hurdle to its perfect accomplishment has not been just the true wishing of it but the proper doing of it.
You could actually do it.
Yes. Wherever you chose to go there would be pain, sweat, reality and regret.
Back from where you left, and with those whom you left, there would only be residues of you, diminishing memories, invasive questions and the passage of time. We have this enduring facility to be that care less.
We have an utterly brilliant brain and mind which, in concert, can bleach back to virgin white anything black that threatens to stand in our way or spoil our day.
People really ate people. That is true. Bits of people may well have entered the food chain. If you have dined on pork then you have formed a taste for your fellow man. Yes, as with pigs, the females taste no sweeter.
The corporate capitalist machinery involving human tissue and body parts grew to be so ravenous that natural deaths with the requisite permissions could not provide sufficient food to whet its appetites for vast profit.
Solution- buy the raw product in.
Employ the necessary companies- robotic grunts returning from Iraq and Afghanistan needed the work and, for that kind of salary and job security, no-one was ever going to blow the whistle.
So the story goes.
I spin these like spiders spin laceate webs that light up white on frosty mornings.
Give yourself the time to reflect on the history of what mankind has found itself capable of doing. We are habituated. Don't imagine for one second that we have outgrown those traits.
We have become magicians at creating vast networks of screens for the masses to see something funny, something dumb, something mind-numbingly engaging to disguise the horrors that we execute in such perfunctory ways.
And, I know, your eyes- all three of them, have partly glazed over already.
We still use personal screen memory.
When Nathan has done with his masturbatory sessions, his repeated gratuitous recalls of the appalling deeds committed by his love obsession on his dead assessor, he will most likely close the file. In its place he will erect a screen of delusion on which he will project an inconsequential memory of innocence plucked from elsewhere in his vast repository.
Fire key words at him related to the unseemly incident, whose use has finally run its course, and they will merely refer him to one of the last strolls he had with his late father, through a summer meadow vivid with flowers and butterflies.
He will not even recall killing his own father- albeit as an act of kindness in 2019.
Don't judge him.
These are things you'd just as easily do yourself- the construction of a self-defence mechanism and, given the same circumstances, such an act of kindness.
The day following the nuclear holocaust of 2019 Nathan's father shot the family dog in the garden shed and then attempted to do the same to himself. The bullet entered his mouth and exited close to his ear. The damage was massive but it did not kill him.
Nate debated what to do. He was cross about the dog. There were ants revelling in his father's wounds.
The dog deserved more respect and some recompense.
He picked up the dead dog's still warm body and suffocated his father with it. Elsewhere there were paedophiles running wild, taking their pick. The doomed were doing the doomed with dripping bang sticks.
In less than a day the magnificent experiment was totally underway.
In the Summer of 2019 the Rothschild's, who always betted on and financed both sides of everything, because the could, said yes to the commencement of global hostilities. They thought it was time to literally let their sheeple play with nuclear mayhem.
Populations were no longer as sustainable as they were, less of them were inclined to work, substantially less stuff was being purchased. The books were beginning to look like they would not balance.
The social manipulation in Greece had failed miserably. Greeks, pushed ever further into submission by austerity measures, finally chose passivity instead of revolution. The combined effects of media propaganda and controlled pharmaceuticals had produced an utterly malleable populous. Check-mate. But the stupid cunts were still breeding.
The same conclusion was drawn about Spain and Portugal.
The Arab Springs proved to be no more than blips in the progress of Global Islamification.
Iran's space programme had given it an array of orbiting spy satellites.
In the bible belt of America it rained more than cats and dogs. It rained more than fish or frogs. It rained discarded body parts, specific body parts- cocks, cunts, toes and eyeballs.
Israel had been in illegal occupation of one fifth of Syria for four tense years.
Palestine had succeeded in becoming a full member of the United Nations.
China was on the point of suing America for bankruptcy. The case was watertight.
The full extent of the North Korean cloning and inter species breeding had been finally exposed. All their rocket activity had been a mere diversion. Clever. While the west was railing at them about the prospect of war they had brilliantly kick-started fast-track evolutionary processes in vast laboratories twenty floors beneath the Earth's surface. Yes they'd been sparking it with nuclear fission. But now, because of the greed of the west, the whole programme was set to go global at approximately the speed of sound.
In the archives there is a much treasured record engraved on titanium which argues that the wealthiest family in the world, so wealthy it could buy those multi-billionaires nearest to it four times over, saw there was no option but to proceed to all out war. Let nuclear fission do the long overdue housekeeping, as it had been long foreseen.
Their fall back position was indubitably tainted by echoes of Fascism but for the first time in the history of mankind it was a collaborative inter-species plan and one that they ironically termed bomb-proof. Those who could afford it were.
Nathan, because of his rank, was given a choice. It was either ceremonial death followed by absolute death or transportation as a preferable way of life.
The ceremonial death involved the military- half men, half roaches. Not his cup of tea. Besides it had reminded him of a holiday in what was formerly Spain and the excitement that a boy has in being a god and stamping on cockroaches he finds scuttling to safety in the lavatory.
That was possibly it- the shitter, the uncommon heat, the rattle of insects on cold tiles; maybe they had been terrifying codes of great import, things he found unintelligible and so turned into a phobia. Blasts from the past like that can be so clarifying, such awful pains in the arse.
He'd also, would you believe, used the Sun's rays and a magnifying glass to fry red ants, because they had bit him and because he could. At no time had he pulled the wings off flies.
Give him some credit.
He elected for transportation as a preferable way of life. There were two kinds and the courts would decide his fate.
The first kind involved flight to another galaxy, to another Earth type planet where he would be left to take his chances.
The second kind meant a short hop to the Moon bases and him being sold into slavery to the highest bidder. All manner of inter-galactic vastly advanced life-forms attended the monthly auctions there.  Someone of such high rank would fetch a high price in any combination of anything that the Earth needed.
Nathan's thinking about either outcome was quite immaterial.
We have his mind-com record for you:-
'From the start I was plagued by not believing I possessed an adequate penis. I had no confidence in it, none whatsoever. The fact of it being almost as small as the average clitoris was not really the point. It made my balls look gigantic.
When I could, I opted for total body hair depilation and skin re-pigmentation.
At least I could be smooth and black.
I could have afforded a penis transplant but I did not want to deal with the memories still resident in its tissues. Yes I could have been very choosy. I could even have picked a live one after first giving it a trial run.
The donor would consequently be paid royally and given free gender re-assignment. Enforced.
I would even be offered the opportunity of owning 'her' but ever since my mother died I'd failed to see the point in forming any sort of relationships.
I rather like the idea of time-travelling in a Beant Star-Ship.
They are spherical. Huge.
You see them hanging in what passes for sky whilst they conduct whatever business they are engaged in. Look away for a second and they are gone. In a blink of your eye they have thought themselves a thousand light years distant. I read a scientific paper only the other day arguing how slow in fact that is.
The Moon-Bus is far less glamorous. You get to travel with all sorts- one class. The journey only lasts twenty minutes but it seems interminable. If they give me that then I shall opt to power nap.
I would hope to be sold to an Arcturan- they adore us much the same as we love dogs. And there is a planet in that star system very Earthlike, a paradise like ours must have been before we thought we'd found God and began to be disassociated with everything but ourselves and finally lost the plot.
Oh yes. Those lists of the waiting dead.
I've already said they were my bread and butter. Having achieved the vague appearance of an ant it was perceived that my behaviour in some ways resembled that of an ant. Advancement followed. Then more advancement until no more advancement was possible. Imagine the shockwaves when I finally elected to go wayward.
I have a head for the logic in patterns, the numeric, a memory for the minutiae, a passion for the rule books. All of the old scriptures had been got rid of and replaced by a vast library full of volumes detailing how to be, the transgressions and the punishments. I was either there, in court or at home or attending a function stuffed with dignitaries from all species.
To be 'listed' began to be twisted in the minds of those who were listed as a staircase to heaven. Certainly there was a process, sometimes a lengthy one. And during that time you were kept safe and in good health which, for some, was life transforming. Many reported that they felt saved.
If any of the listed were reprieved there was always a time restriction and strict conditions the breaking of which would result in their execution via absolute death.
Citizens began deliberately violating their reprieve conditions and effectively committing suicide by the state. At first we didn't mind this trend in the least. It added to the supply chain of recycled human remains. But in many sub-cultures we found that such people were being given martyr status. And in some strictly outlawed groups they were even considered saintly. Nothing could be more abhorrent.
What to do about it?
I tried to find a solution short of genocide but couldn't. I found the dilemma crucifying. It made me rediscover loneliness.
The decree is decided at last. My fate. Something else writ on a titanium plate.
I see. That's it. The far distant inter-galactic option has been chosen for me. Less kindly.
The bastards. Fuck!
Oh shit! Wherever will I fit into the food chain there.
Hell! I feel a chill and a virus of a prayer coming on. Do I kneel?'
TIMECURVE: 2041. Old heretical calendar. 21 New calendar. The days are shorter now.
FACTBUZZ: In 2041 A state witch-hunt against emerging faiths was instigated by the World Council. They also instructed the scientists to triple the population of flying Piranhas whose shit was such a valuable commodity.
SENSOID: Melissa Ormond's sister watched as Nathan was taken from the Holding Bay to the waiting sphere. She was transfixed, rigid with rage. Just could not wait for the pale grey moon of it to inexplicably disappear. Gone. Yes, gone. It was over. That afternoon she had a long court session ahead of her dealing with the pathetic protestations of religious zealots. The fools were even saying he was messianic. Absolute death for them and no delays.
Nathan Shadbolt has left this Earth- as we say. There is no way back for him, ever. No resurrection, never.
Chris Madoch: Copyright 2013. All Rights Reserved.




In the trunk of my car a change of clothes and food to cook and feed two. I might get lucky at around midnight. The fat file that's hardly left my side for four weeks now will be entering the building with me. I only ever get fat files now, fat files with fat leads to fat links sat in repositories that testify to mankind's unkindness to itself. The recently arrived package will play its part too.
My name, in barely weathered white gloss on black, stared back at me unmoved- titular ornament and qualifications, all the implied responsibilities of a forensic psychiatrist mocking my present obsession to ensnare a massive rush of endorphins, my understandable human hunger. Like I cared- this was the third date in ten days, the first on home turf, virtually home and dry. My riverside home in Putney is quite the aphrodisiac and always seals the deal. I was, as they say, feeling it.
The padded package from Toronto: now there was a ball from the left field- if it wasn't for Lyall Watson and a 'working' understanding of serendipity, my sanity and I would have parted company long ago. The book- a disintegrating copy of a biography of Carl Panzram complete with loose papers purported to have been written by him, had not come cheap. With it came a 'poem of sorts' and a long-winded suicide note from a Mr Dogrop Rancour- clearly the former owner of the book [his signature filled the small library plate] who was not in the least dead, far from it. He was no longer living in Canada in a semi-rural suburb north of the city where my niece lived and enjoyed rummaging in second-hand bookshops. He was, in quite surprising fact, my new case; today our first scheduled face to face- itself a curiosity and, in the circus of strange circumstances, a likely rubber stamping.
In my line of work there are always firsts- another original worst to quicken the blood flow.
The very idea- divorcing yourself from your own penis with a model-maker's battery driven circular saw, but to make a public spectacle of it. Over the years visitors to Brighton beach had become inured to various, increasingly lewd attractions, but this one had the tongues clacking like old football rattles. He was naked and had shaved back to the buff of a baby and on his his xxl chest he'd scrawled in red lipstick 'I am not a homosexual.'
Carl Panzram, serial killer in the making, age 7- awkward stiffies seeming all out of proportion.
Raised in small-holding poverty, his idiotic mother plagued by migraines and dizzy spells, he and his siblings were left in a living hell, by their father who never looked back ever in any shape or form. She was idiotic for having reproduced in the first place. [NOTE: She may well have been, to all intents and purposes, kept a virtual prisoner and regularly raped. There is no evidence of her ever being caring beyond the bare facts that her children did survive.]
Ma had the one remaining glass, she’d briefly stop sobbing and take a sip of well water we’d all brought her. Then she’d be off again, her greyhound body made animate by weird tremors. She was always the same after pa had kicked the fucking shit out of her. Stray tears on the kitchen table made small craters in the day’s latest layer of dust.
Today was already different from any other day ever. Earlier today we all watched him in his anger gather up anything of even the smallest value and dump the haul in the wrecked car along with our dog.
The oddly reliable machine was rust countries in oceans of faded blue paint, all held together with stolen fencing wire, sweat and swearing. The forbidden road south was the one he took- away from town. The south road is as straight as a railway track is and it disappears deep into the distant horizon. We stood watching him go- me, my two sisters and my brother, holding dirty linen to our dirty faces to avoid the choking dusts.
He soon became a black blob, then a dot, then nothing.
Do you ever switch off?
Oh. It has been known. Though I confess to twitching a little when the in-tray empties- thing is, in my line of work, it never stays empty for long.
[Long pause. The silence thick with gesture and sexual intimation.]
I'm writing a book.
A novel?
Work? You see! My point exactly.
Well yes but it is not without its distractions. You ever heard of Carl Panzram?
No. But as an informed guess I'd bet he is a serial killer.
Was. Long dead. A sexually driven serial killer.
Why him?
His name intrigued me. Well obviously far more than that. I'm calling it 'The Panzram Papers'- he had a certain gift for writing; wrote things out; left a legacy of sorts. The killings span a long timeline.
When was he born?
1891- the son of a German immigrant trying to eke out a living farming in Minnesota during the depression.
You and your soft spot for Germans.
[BIG grin.]
Carl's first appearance in court was in 1899.
He was eight?
Correct. And the charge was drunkenness. There's a quarter of a book right there- a cruelly, often criminally abused childhood; a desperate need to be loved or noticed met with nothing more than violence and rejection. Yet here, taking the blows, was an evolving mind that would eventually be capable of tackling Schopenhauer and Nietzsche.
And how does this relate to your current case?
It doesn't. It would be odd if it did. And my telling you even that much is a serious breach of confidence.
Yes- seriously, really. You know how it is, sharing a bed is never a free pass to the secrets in my working head.
I can watch you give evidence in court and salivate.
Of course, but believe me, these days, what becomes a matter of public record is only the tip of vast icebergs. A massive database remains firmly under lock and key.
I remember you saying there is nothing more arousing than interacting with anything perceived of as forbidden.
Carl, serial killer in the making, age 8- massive little survivalist pissed off his face.
How come? I've dwelled long and hard as to the time shrouded context in which this unloved, attention seeking urchin was arrested for being drunk and disorderly. [All rug-rats are intentionally wired to be survivalist to the nth degree- utterly self-centric, magically manipulative, attention seeking aliens to empathy and any sense of community.] So. What did this brat trade or what was he forcibly made to exchange? Two cents worth of hooch for opening his gob to a turgid root? A smelly orifice? Life was cheap. The good thing about children then was that there were plenty of them going spare and alive they were warm to the touch, pliable. The trick was to make them receptive- dead easy to pull off in hard times.
You look like my missing pa.
How's that then pip-squeak?
He was a fucking knob.
Feisty little fart ain't he fellas? Not much meat on him. 
I bet you're those guys who wank dogs for a laugh.
Sure are puppy- ever get that feeling that this was your lucky day?
With bare man's hands, scarred hands that could easily span a cadaver's arse, he'd always wished he could pick-up a pick-up, throw it across a black-top and abandon it in a ditch with all the other sweet incriminating bits. That's why he had taken to wearing a shorn beard and plaid shirts with quilted linings.
That's why he constantly played host to ghosts of what just may have been- pent up rage, no venting it, no preventing his constant enquiry as to from where it came. His childhood was idyllic. It was idyllic. Idyllic.
Dogrup Rancour's grass grew leaden grey most every day and he knew, God always told him such truths, that there were other fields of a better hue, places where there never were ties or tethers; no fucking inclement hate-fuelled emotional weather; no guilt-trips about needing to be grateful; no rules; no judgements.
Six foot one shoe-less, twenty stone naked weight, hirsute, his major problem was there was not one thing anyone had ever confirmed was exceptional or the least outstanding about him. He may as well have been a living, barely breathing John Doe. Most days he expected to wake up and spot the tell-tale tag tied to his big infected toe, the one with moulds discolouring the thick nail, the one responsible for making large potatoes in his hill-billy woodsman socks.
His passions- poetry and the life of Carl Panzram; arguably obsessions but lets not get ahead of ourselves.
This is it. Six months previous he left a devastating crime scene, everything, something as yet undiscovered and he travelled to the UK ostensibly to stay. Four weeks later, following a bizarre altercation on Brighton beach, he was arrested and sectioned under the mental health act- a clear danger both to himself and to the rest of us. Two days ago they found the inoperable brain tumour. Given the grim prognoses extradition seems highly unlikely.
Carl, a serial killer in the making, age 11, encounters full on institutional punishment.
He was forced to enter a 'reform' school- a total misnomer. The dreadful place deconstructed wayward boys with a barely disguised glee and was plainly a magnet for adult sadists in search of pleasurable work that paid well. A hell's theme park for demons; one with a constant stream of fresh hellions. What the guardians reconstructed there were cracked mirror images of their sick selves.
Cruelty births some truly twisted shit, all of which is totally unnecessary.
It was common for a naked boy to be watched as he languished at length in a tin bath of stone cold water. Then he would be laid-out, planked and have his back layered with salt. When the salt was dry the lashing with straps would begin. The straps were designed to maximise pain- they all had holes punched in them so that they easily raised blisters on the skin; as these blisters were repeatedly beaten they would burst and weep and the salt would seep in stinging horrendously. [A human being at the turn of the century, their mind focussed on child-reform, thought of that as proper practice.]
I have stopped myself imagining what else went on within the many rooms of that vast place but, please, feel free to endure your own explorations as clearly Dogrup did. There are no rules. There are no limitations.
In his pocket-book Dogrup Rancour had noted how easily what is perceived of as abnormal can be normalised- unfailing punishment, a faultless routine; the nature of anyone could be bent out of shape. Just a few words of love, lies disguised as love, and you were home and dry. Give me the child, he wrote, and I will deliver you the serial killer.
America was evolving into a seething hotbed of sexually driven serial killers. It was terrifying. He was filling himself up with fear.
My practice is never to have any pre-conceptions about how to trigger the normalisation process in anyone suffering from trauma and I'd never abandoned a case before but I was contemplating it. Yes, I am selfish. I have never professed to be  good person. And, I confess to being pre-occupied with the prospect of getting my rocks off for the first time in six months in real as opposed to virtual dalliance. 
Carl Panzram, a serial killer in the making, age 14, available plaything.
The unkempt boy was repeatedly gang-raped by four male unwashed hoboes in a box-car in a railway siding. Raw straw, stale cattle piss, knob-cheese, hot spunk, muffled sobbing; not the screams you might imagine, this was all part of his life apart from life; his sphincter had become an athlete due to penal reform, ratified by the smug, the holier than thou, the self-satisfied, the beloved pioneering mothers and fathers of modern America. The bleating of the sanctimonious sheep- you make your own life. You play to your own sparse strengths and exercise belligerent enterprise. Fly the flag. Whatever.
An alleged Panzram Paper: one of the inserts from the ravaged biography formerly owned by Dogrup Rancour. [It colours and seasons with some degree of relevance and is, in my opinion, by no means gratuitous.]
'To call it a farmhouse only made sense insofar as it was a house of sorts and it was situated on a farm of sorts. The farm was small- a small-holding bought with pa's immigrant assets. The hardest, constant labour wrenched a small living from it- it fed us, clothed us and paid the taxes; just that. The wooden house boasted two bedrooms and a main-room where we all ate, bathed and played; a stoop and steps as wide as the building; a rickety privy. There was a swing beneath a massive tree. A barn with a lean-to containing a still. A well.
The wall between the bedrooms was simple vertical planking, ill fitted, heavily knotted, a treasury of spy-holes. There were bigger things to care about. The nearest neighbours were a mile away- a distance where, even on a clear day, a child's scream reduced itself to a hawk's cry. I have been transfixed before by the terrifying utterance of a rabbit petrified by the gaze of a stoat- at night you could easily mistake that sound for the screeching of a whore being raped, a trusty cutter at her throat. Where we lived was a small place- not much room to move freely for the pressing everyday matters of life and death. And if you strayed you always got hit for it. The ways to stray were so complicated I never got to outwit the adult tricks of it. I always lost the game and they beat me for it. I remember no hugs but the chill embrace of being constantly counted as nothing but irritating.
The laws of life and death were just a matter of observation. We encouraged animals and plants to reproduce. We were in attendance as they gave birth. We wrung necks, shot brains out and generally butchered, harvesting as and when.
Through the knot holes we regularly watched our naked parents fuck. That was animal, loud, swift, slippery, plain as day and larger than I could exaggerate it. His...[Here the page was torn in two]...My elder bro would fill my pale ass crack with his spit, sisters giggling at brazen glimpses of his stiff twig. It only hurt the once. I promised him and myself that I wouldn't scream. Never did. The more you do a thing the easier it becomes. In the end, my bro oblivious to the loss of power, used me like a buttered glove yet it was me who really called the shots. I'd learned the control needed to determine when the hot stuff erupted unstoppably to kiss my shitty guts. It was just what happened- nothing more or less. Should've killed him but the circumstance never presented itself.'
Was this damaged document genuine? Maybe it remains the invention of a fan.
[Inside a real hide east-coast Canadian Indian teepee a brother and sister talk in secret.]
Boy: Dad said gone-mum was as good as dead- dumb in the head. New-ma, she's the squaw now.
Girl: I hate him.
Boy: Dad?
Girl: Yes. Of course. Bad-ass dad. I've seen him washing blood off knife blades.
Boy: He big heap hunter little prick.
Girl: Shit. He one massive cunt of a cunt.
Boy: He's gonna kill her isn't he?
Girl: Maybe.
Mrs Ann Rancour, second wife with the frame of a wren and bottle blonde hair had the air of a non-stop shrew and was a total stranger to sleep. The creature shrew has nothing more to do than constantly pursue the source of fuel to keep it fit enough to pursue more fuel- she'd read so in a Reader's Digest book. She was the one with the primary income. And the lion has a habit of staying in slumber for up to twenty-two hours a day. When he feeds, his swift and violent effort is rewarded by a short time gorging deeply on bleeding meat. They do say opposites attract.
Boy: Do unpublished poets go on killing sprees and eat their kids and stuff?
Girl: They sure do in the movies.
Boy: Aw. Stop yacking and suck my dick.
Girl: Money up front.
She'd struggled; she'd muffle-screamed into a pillow; finally he'd spewed a year's unfinished business into her bleeding rectum. Oh boy. Big dick. Man of the house- he finally got to stick his victory flag into the forbidden territory of his gobshite mouse of a spouse.
Now where was she?
Sat on the sanitary white lavatory seeping blood from her anus, tears from her eyes, colour from her chill skin; thinking of the children sleeping over at her ma's; thinking- so this is what it takes to stop us breaking up. What fucking next? Will he ever go the full hog and strap a-near-as-dammit-realistic prick to me.
Has he got the balls?
And do I get to screw him?
Now she was birthing turds across open wounds. Blood and shit- not a good mix. And was it true that she was going to cook her rapist husband breakfast?
Of course. She was in it to win it. No sonofabitch was going to sashay from hetero to bi to homo- not on her fucking watch, Sunday or not.
Triggers are totally unpredictable things- quite beyond the grasp of psychiatry. We are all blessed with an array of unique behaviour buttons- should any of the more 'exotic' ones ever be pressed by the requisite mechanism, its anyone's guess what we'll do. Prevention is good. In this area of thought death may have its place as a preventative measure. I wrote that.
RANCOUR WROTE 'One day there was this half-full tram. Nobody on that tram knew that, on that day, this was not the tram to be on. Goddamn. How could they? All the survivors have since turned to prayer but the dead- well why the fuck should they care. Six headless victims- the machete was sharp as a wronged woman's tongue. The perpetrator boring to the point of invisibility with no previous. He said, somewhat predictably, Allah told him to sever the flight decks from the infidel machines. The tram driver, a survivor, deeply disturbed and in care fills notebook after notebook with his recollections of the blood splatters and the repeat screams.'
[Dogrup obviously lapped this up; even said he'd knocked one out because of it. Later took the spoiled newspaper page to the yard and burned it in a brazier full of chucked out poems and paintings and rejection slips.
His kids were giggling in the teepee and he wished through the new flames to be a kid again because when you are a kid you are never to blame- you are never to blame even if you do stick a banger up the arse of a cat and light the fuse and slowly walk back to a place of relative safety.
He remembered the smell of that singed fur. The kudos given him by imaginary friends.
Now he was unemployed- a househusband.
There was a rabbit stew slow cooking in a log-burning oven. Chop chop- there were dumplings yet to bake. Be quick about it there might be the time to sling together a surprise apple cake- deserving to be served warm with maple syrup and crumbed-cookie ice-cream. There might be a cursory marital screw in it for him- if not then it was another night ahead nowhere near that troubled bed, dreaming on the internet, burying all regret in a mixture of identities; the elastic possibilities of which were utterly epic.
There was also the demonic drink, the cruel temptations of the phallic pen and the black orgasmic ink.]
A GENUINE WRITING BY DOGRUP RANCOUR [It may have been plagiarised]
'FAME or 'shame' or 'infamy' [maybe- fuck me titles]
In the house cellar-
the coal-hole long gone, he dragged her dead weight
to the basement of his mind;
laid her on see-thru polythene sheets;
bit off her depilated clitoris, chewed it, spat it out
into a gleaming kidney dish
in the bloodied mirror shine of which
he dreamed that he could scry
his future demise- [mind tricks] the infamy,
the paper column yards,
the hours of dedicated TV
all the celebrated reality of being someone.
In such fantastic scenes
he always seemed so handsome-
fresh meat for Hollywood; filmic face
his voice soft like a lipstick lesbian's;
a thick coat of charisma cloaking rich deceit.
Warm gusset waiting to be cast adrift.
NOTE: This had first been posted in a SOCIAL NETWORKING Group called 'INTREPID TRIPE'. Rancour made no secret of the fact that he wanted to own a small press of the same name. He was crawling towards making major strides from obsession to perversion, profoundly confused, perceiving the use and abuse levelled at him by no more than average writers as nothing less than love. What he eventually created from the theft of an original idea was the lab-rat opportunity in which the worst cancers of self-publishing would mutate. And it did.
'It was another night ahead nowhere near that troubled bed, dreaming on the internet, burying all regret in a mixture of identities; the elastic possibilities of which were utterly epic.'
Worth repeating- 'It was another night ahead nowhere near that troubled bed, dreaming on the internet, burying all regret in a mixture of identities; the elastic possibilities of which were utterly epic.'
Due to a weather blamed computer glitch the whole damn compound went into a state of lock-down before I had even crossed the threshold. It takes 30 minutes to process a recovery through its normalisation cycle. Very aware of the CCTV, I took a deep breath and returned to my car and the illustrated documentation detailing the incident that had preceded Dogrup's flight to the UK.
Driving to work I'd been listening to a podcast concerning the recent but swiftly forgotten Bosnian conflict- they were referring to the mayhem that a reporter had become embroiled in as a village was attacked by the Serbian army. In front of him was a mother and her baby. The mother was growing increasingly distraught. Suddenly the reporter felt strangely wet and warm. The woman was screaming uncontrollably. Following a local explosion, her baby's head was missing.
Letting my eyes stroke the surface of the pictures from Toronto I sensed some utterly senseless connection between the two events. My expertise was increasingly in demand. Criminal killing was by no means in decline. Was it burgeoning because the supposedly good men have run out of steam to do anything about it? The impotence of my paymasters. If it was a virus I knew of no virologist working on a solution as easy as a jab in the arm.
Sonja, Dogrup's first wife, had been eased out of institutional care into a programme similar to our 'care-in-the-community' in the UK; electronically tagged and subject to curfew, she shared a house with four similarly challenged women and a full-time carer.
Rancour had never been the slightest suspect- he could not have been in possession of a more watertight alibi. On the day of the multiple deaths his wife Ann had been made redundant, cleared her desk and arrived to an empty home early. Dogrup was picking up the kids from school.
Ann fed her children- let them go their own way inside the house and told Dogrup to clear up the mess. At the sink, in his apron, she shoved an opened letter in his face, he could feel the tip of a substantial knife pricking his coccyx. 'You pathetic cunt!' she sneered at him, 'Exchanging love letters with a fucking shit shover now! What is this- full blown role reversal; method acting for masochists? Mmm- your kids already have an insane mother; good idea- add to their pain by becoming a gay dad.'
Dogrup admitted that he wanted to kill her at this point. He said it took immense self control not to touch her at all, though she was goading him to it- prodding him and slapping him. Instead he infuriated her by saying nothing whatsoever and collecting the few things he needed for a night out 'with the lads'. 
Watched by his children from the first floor, he drove away at 4.30 pm, his right cheek bleeding, leaving bits of himself beneath his wife's fingernails. Three minutes into the journey he began to make mobile telephone calls.
At 5.30 pm Dogrup was picked up on CCTV entering a restaurant in an avant- garde quarter of Toronto. He spent two hours dining and drinking in the company of Sonja's brother- a detective in the city drug squad. The ugly tragedy that was to indelibly ink his life was, totally unknown to him, unfolding like the worst of pornographic centrefolds back at home. The police believe events started at around 6 pm.
So, much later, in the small hours, Sonja's brother after waking for a piss, checked his Ipad. The horrendous news sent him, in a naked rush, to the guest bedroom. Dogrup was still there, sleeping like a baby. Hard to break a sleep like that with information like that. Then there were the obvious bare truth implications- discarded condoms on the polished floorboards, shit splatters on the soft-grey cotton bed linen; the hard to figure fear he felt; man-tears forming in his eyes, the memories.
He didn't wake him just then. He showered, dressed for work and made the necessary call.
Driving the care-house car, which she had not signed for, Sonja had arrived at the Rancour household at sometime shortly before 6 pm. The police believe she found her children fucking each other in the teepee. She tidily dispatched both of them with single shots fired close to their heads. At this time they figure Ann had consumed half a bottle of Jim Beam. It seems she was in no position to put up a fight. Sonja shattered both her kneecaps with gunshots- she then tied her victim up. Forensics reports indicate that Ann's face was removed whilst she was still alive- all the material of it was buried inside her vagina. She bled to death slowly.
It is argued that Sonja then took a king-size sheet from the marital bed- it was a heavy duty Egyptian cotton, ideal as a noose for someone her weight. At some stage she despoiled the bed with her blood and piss and fecal matter.
When the police finally arrived, acting on a call from the nearest neighbour concerned at hearing the gunshots, their first picture was of Sonja hanging naked in the stairwell. Around her neck hung a small notice which read 'Dogrup Rancour did this to me. He steals people's lives. Ask my brother, the detective, who is his sodomite lover.'
Not being able to help myself, I stole more voyeuristic looks at the forensic photographs of Ann Rancour's head stripped completely of its surface face.
My mobile leapt into life. Re-entry to the building was go.
I suddenly realised one of the fascination's that drew Ridley Scott to direct a Hannibal Lecter movie- the removal of a face, in whatever circumstances, is at one and the same time utterly compelling and fascinatingly repelling. What was it that Inspector Pazzi was told by Dr Lecter- oh yes, I am of half a mind to have your wife for dinner; something close to that. And in the final frames of the film emulating flight from internment there was a fascinated boy who engaged him for a while, a kindred child who fancied a taste from a slab of cold pan-fried human brains in his luncheon box- because the great doctor had no regard whatsoever for airline food.
Top notch. Read all the Thomas Harris books, got all the DVDs. I closed the file, made sure it was with my essential effects as I locked my car and made my way to a late meeting. Of course, Dogrup may choose not to show. My money was on him not being able to resist his ego.
These bland and undemanding care in-camera rooms are always nondescript; I guess it is necessity that dictates their interior compromise. I can imagine the types that sit in fervent session deliberating over colours that might take the sting out of the nature of institutions- and they never do. These almost devout biscuit people are so deeply embroiled in their miserable failures that they must always, in the minutes of their meetings, register each one as a triumphant success of majorative ordinariness. Magnolia is a mighty smug hue wherever it is flung up- a neither one thing or another shade that has stuck to what we like to think of as 'normality' like the glue made from cow bones- they have pretentious siblings, beige, peach, eau-de-nil and taupe.
At my pay grade however I was allowed to choose my own room paint and selected a business-like shade of grey that the makers had named 'English Fog'. The name sealed the deal and proved to be the perfect backdrop for black and white artworks- all of which were associated with one or other of my books. That other, less lucrative career, a perfect antidote to hands-on criminology and forensic psychiatry. This was not that room; this was somewhere utterly secure- the few pieces of furniture were substantially rubberised and secured to the rubber floor.
I try not to expect anything but I was not exactly taken aback by how unexceptional Dogrup Rancour appeared to me. He leapt off the page of his file in diminished dimensions. But despite everything he could switch on a smile from his  deep brown wolf-like eyes. I was not to be so easily invited to step onto the game board his expression had manufactured on the table between us.
I switched on the recording machines.
Are you in pain?
I hope they are looking after you. There are far worse places to be. It says here that you are post plastic-surgery and that the part is reattached- is that the case?
Yes. More's the pity.
The authorities have a duty of care. We have to get you well, on the road to full health before we can properly attend to the issue of your repatriation. You are a Canadian citizen and Canada being part of the commonwealth we share a variety of options for you.
I have nothing. I have no home. I have no family and I am not a homosexual.
Sonja's brother has written to you.
Yes. Frank's deluded. He's a good detective. Policemen are never homosexual.
I have read copies of your tender replies to him.
Have you sorted out which one of my many selves I was when I put stubby pencil to paper.
Frank's a good friend- he is standing by you.
I see. Good cop compared to what- bad me, sad me, banged up for insanity me? Eh? Eh? He would always feed me, get me drunk then shaft me up the ass. That's man-rape. Fuck! None of the charges ever stuck.
You never made any charges. You visited him voluntarily at least once, sometimes twice a week from a month after you married Ann.
She's dead. They said.
How did she die?
It wouldn't be appropriate at this stage..
Fuck! Let me tell you something..
Go on.
My first wife used to collect the glossy magazine American Crime Monthly. She had these crazy notions. One of them mad ideas was that I bore a striking resemblance to Charles Panzram- the serial killer from way back. For one of my birthdays she even bought me the story of his life. That damned book changed me. I'd never been one for reading but I must have read that book twelve times. And then I took to writing. She thought I was good at it, said I had a natural gift. Then I discovered Thomas Harris and The Silence Of The Lambs. All his books. All the films. Ann wasn't right after the first child; she got more wrong after the second; finally entered a dark place and rarely returned, not even for Christmas. She took to believing cruel untruths- that I was a murderer in the making, that I was sexually molesting the kids. You've read this shit already.
You look the type to be always up to speed.
You and her brother Frank managed to get her sectioned.
Yes. Yes. Things came to a head. Lines needed to be drawn. All it was was the ending of one nightmare. She was still alive. That concerned me deeply.
You wanted her dead?
Yes. Of course. I wanted secure closure.
For you and you're children.
And for Ann. You were already dating Ann.
You're going to tell me that she looked like a man.
Dogrup clasped his mug of tea with both of his large hands overlapping, drawing some comfort from the warmth and at the same time seeming to enter a contemplative state. These silent moments allowed me the luxury to explore him as one would a painted portrait. On the recordings there would be shoe shuffling, sipping, the occasional rustle of paper, distant bird song, faint breathing.
He was more handsome than he'd first appeared- would scrub up, needed attention to an unruly beard; his nose was Roman; brown eyes, wide, deep set, masculine and animal. He was not a bear- if comparisons were to be made it was clear to me he was more lupine than ursine; a great lover of dogs, I was in danger of developing less than objective sympathies towards him.
Here was a man at deep unease with himself- unable to be himself for want of an itch he could not scratch. Dogrup's skin, the one he was the least happy in, was plagued by emotionally damaging fleas and he had never found a treatment for them. What were we to do- bathe him in cruel truth shampoo, then towel him dry as he cries unceasingly. I knew he was a closet crier.
I'd always had to live with the notion that mirrors hated me. This one was like all the rest; doing its level best to undermine my confidence with what I saw gazing back at me- always a questioning face, never at rest, forever testing my patience, demanding I do my very best. It goaded and often mocked and even though I knew for sure it was only a reflection I had often been belittled by it. This time it pleaded with me to look again, it was being of help.
As I dried my hands with crinkly cream paper towels I realised that I may have been on the point of being played for a kipper. All this was new to Rancour; it was, I was willing to bet, that a rare one-to-one, despite the ever present security, would seem to him to be far more fun than hiding behind his many aliases, all of which the police had discovered on the internet.
My patient could smell me, evaluate ever minute nuance in the flesh. Fuck it! He was enjoying himself. I had to ascertain if he was a grave danger to himself and to other people but it was hard to see him as a criminal. What was his crime- coinciding his interest in a long dead serial killer with mine; escaping from a horror that his mind could not cope with: how many of us would have wanted to do the same? Was he insane? Would he heal- be returned to society and finally enact his true purpose?
On the other side of the wall a toilet flush. Was that Dogrup's shit wending its slippery way to waltz in time with mine? I reminded myself that I had been in worse situations. That is the beauty of my job- just when you imagine you have actually covered all the bases of human perversity and deviousness something or someone comes along to send you back to the drawing board and reassess the magnificent mess that is the mind in turmoil.
Why the fuck had I put eyeliner on- it was subtle but Rancour will have noticed it, his wolf eyes were the gun-sights of a very expert sniper.
Outside it was raining in rods which indicated a miserable drive home. The strong scent of institutional soap was wafting off of Dogrop's hands, nails bitten but clean as a whistle. I imagined him using the bristle brush in an habitual ritual of furiously attempting to scour away the hurt. He was far from being a stupid man- I knew he could write a passable essay on OCD with no preparation and not even break into a sweat. I noticed the smallest tip of his glistening tongue. Was that intentional? I elected to toss an invisible coin on that one. Then he smiled or maybe it would be better described as a grin.
I might have looked like a man back then but truth is I was still a boy- Rancour suddenly got engaged with an unmistakably honesty; hell I would have jumped through hoops for fanny then. Did I give a fuck for the fact that she seemed a bit of a dipstick, course not; I was walking on hot coals to get my end away and she gave out without much of a shout most every day. Besides, the allowances we always made in North America were, how shall I put it- very generous. We are still a rag-bag of all-sorts even today and hold no great store by what might be hiding in the shade. Not the smart people any road. Why should we dig deep- we still have no history worth a dime unless your interests stretch to the laundering of every kind of crime imaginable and retelling it as enterprise. The Americans are great at that- why, even a serial poisoner who drags herself up from the gutter to become a person of independent means on account of the many husbands she has killed is given a healthy respect for her pioneering spirit and them criminal Kennedys are re-branded as kiss-my-ass royalty.
I did try to get my kids help. The minute I figured out what they were up to with each other I tried to get my children all the help I thought they needed but immediately the suspicion of all the authorities fell on me. No-one looked at their witless mother and for one second imagined that there was the likely root cause. No-one, never. Men see, they've got fists and pricks- it makes them the prime suspect always. And yes, I did admit to hitting them- what man in his right mind wouldn't have done. I put padlocks on their doors. A fucking load of good telling the truth did me. The disadvantage that men face when protecting their children is countering the pre-conceptions of a whole army of social workers, the vast majority of whom are damaged women on a mission to repair a world which is dominated by men. From the start I was always the enemy. And the law in some pathetic attempt to emulate justice has every legality stacked against us why- because some klutz like Queen Victoria disbelieving that lesbians existed shaped the family legislation in a very unhealthy degree of ignorance of what women are capable of doing, even to their own.
It actually happens that their nutter of a mother had encouraged them to mutually masturbate when the youngest was only four. All of it kept secret from me. How would I know? Why would my manly mind go there? I was pre-occupied with stereotypically manly things. I was out all hours doing what men with families do- keeping a roof over their heads, putting clothes on all their backs, shoes on their feet and food on the table. It was me most weekends filling the log-shed. What time had I to finger my kids?
Do you want to take a break.
NO! He shouted at me, clearly angered that I'd interrupted his outpouring.
Listen to me, just listen to me- that's all the break I'm asking for. For now?
For now?
Well, no-one's charged me with anything. And this thing in my head is inoperable. I don't want to spend my last six months heavily medicated and hugged by cream walls.
You could possibly be released into a care-in-the community facility- a house with other patients and carers. That's largely down to me.
A man with the confidence to wear discreet eyeliner?
Carl Panzram had very little heterosexual sex. He caught gonorrhea from a whore and the disease so disgusted him he never went back there again. You'd know that.
I said you'd know that. I'm allowed books. They said the list that I'd requested put them in mind of you- that you were writing a book on the man. They said you even have a title- The Panzram Papers.
Well, yes. The staff here are not meant to divulge such things.
But they are people and people are always excited by coincidence- the slightest thing that's unexplained. That's why I think the religions have clung on for so long- they make the implausible believable in the minds of the temporarily confused or blind. They prey quite deliberately on the weak and the feeble-minded. And we have such a mystery here, don't we, you and me?
Human affairs are so unfathomably complex we should never be surprised, or raise to some pseudo spiritual significance the least coincidence.
Thick cunts do though. Millions of them.
Right. [Immediately, call it a sixth sense at play, I knew what he was going to say next- he was going to talk out about Panzram's perverse power over railroad men. Why was that so obvious? What more did he know about me?]
Do you get off on Panzram? He asked me.
Fuck that shit. Everybody does. Everyone loves a legend. People get off on anything odd- it quickens their rush to get close to whatever God they've chosen to lick the arse of. What trick-cyclist hasn't worked that one out? That's why The National Enquirer succeeds. There's always been a gutter press, more than likely underwritten by one major religion or another. Brother, when we have rubbed their noses sufficiently in hell, we can speak laughably of 72 virgins and that vast whore-house in the sky that Allah calls His heaven. You do the fucking maths.
Do you like women?
The truth is- not much, not so's I ever noticed. And there's not a man I know who can honestly say different.
They attract you in any way?
Sure do, but that's where it ends; with an animal, all too familiar shunt and a grunt. No way is a fertile woman and a potent man ever going to be close friends. There's just no trusting them. She'll use him and abuse him for her own ends. You must have read the research- one man to provide, another to milk for his gene pool. Those bitches are ruthless- passing off one man's child as another's is second nature to them. Cunts. Ever notice how they're always right. Ever figure out that they are always on some trick or another to get exactly what they want.
Do men attract you?
Hell no. Hell! You already know. I am no fucking homo that's a fact and neither was Carl Panzram.
I'm not so sure about Carl.
The air in the room seemed to have been suddenly captured by a localised black hole; the leaden weight of it was palpable we were both being sucked into an inescapable territory, a dark mass where sense implodes and reality fragments as deceitfully as sugar glass.
I asked him- in all your reading did you ever find one thing good that Panzram had to say about a woman, because I didn't.
That didn't mean he wasn't sexually driven though.
Guess so. But neither of us, you and me, we don't know what was illuminating his mind when he was pumping his prick up some guy's shitter. Maybe he saw titties and the piss flaps of lascivious women waving in his face. Maybe every time he came he believed he was screwing some tart real proper.
Maybe, but its only conjecture.
Carl Panzram was a man with a proper man's needs. It's perfectly normal for a man to want to toss himself off twice a day- there's nothing perverse in that. There's nothing perverse in wanting to engage sexually with another's living flesh. Through terrible experiences he figured women were diseased and yes, he did commit that to paper. For years he been raped up the rectum by all and sundry- what's wrong with a man wanting to right the wrong of that. He'd been buggered by those trusted members of the community into whose care he'd been placed for his own good. What fucking good? It left him little course but to do what he did. At least he wasn't in a Cardinal's gear getting all queer with a nice and dandy sweet as candy choirboy. Whenever he violated anyone- yes, often at gunpoint pressed against trees, they were men, grown men, and largely men who had abused their authority. Carl could not abide a jobsworth. You must remember that time he took a lippy ticket inspector back to the guards car and raped him, then told the three terrified hoboes lurking there to get their dicks out and do the same. Yes that was sexual release- but most importantly, to Carl, that was justice. Every time, whenever anyone suggested he might be homosexual he lost it big time. It was just a hole, nothing more or less. A hole. That what he had been for most of his childhood- someone's hole, more or less. Never as an adult did he suck dick ever. Never. Believe me I know where this man was coming from.
You've never sucked dick?
I want to end this.
Just one more thing.
Make it quick.
One of your many alias's on social network sites was Carlos P Ram?
You know it was.
You were also Dick Wolf.
I used to correspond regularly with a Dick Wolf on Facebook of all places. Not the best of sites for a psychiatrist to while away time.
You did?
Oh yes.
What was your handle?
Oh my, now that would be telling. My rules Mr Rancour- this interview is terminated.
Fuck that was good- the fuck and the repeat fucks. Mark had deliberately given me a shade more than he'd taken. Yes, the trunk of my tree had been shaken by that- fallen leaves littered my bedroom floor; already I was hankering after more: typical of me to tumble headlong into the maelstrom of love so easily- dedication to work, emotional thrift and a desert of people able to lift my spirits might have something to do with it. Grabbing life when you can is far easier said than done but, in the case of this one opportunity, my spontaneity had paid off good and proper. It was 5 am. First light was shrouding him along with grey sheeting. He was snoring sweetly like a baby pig when I got up- my mind flitting between joy and deep anxiety.
I sat on the lounge balcony with a double espresso in black china and water in a black glass; with black leather slippers and a large black velour dressing gown, I must have appeared an essay in black to the early movers on the grey Thames. If only it were that easy- but nothing is conveniently black and white; my white knight sleeping and a blackness seeping into all my pores to utterly defeat all hope of happiness. That spelled complex, very complicated. Dull as ditchwater shit is never brown; it may appear it to the untrained eye but to those who know forensics it is a shimmering rainbow of brightly coloured freebies. I was inwardly smirking at a pet hate- children's TV, Ceebeebies some bright spark without a single pubic hair called it; what a fucking unrestrained rainbow of unmitigated shit that was; pap from their mother's overworked tits replaced by crap from the powerful god-box in the corner of every room. Just like institutional schooling it is an abdication of parental or community responsibility it is, plain as day, child abuse. Send them to school or stick them in front of the TV and you might just as well be regularly using them as sex toys.
Eating away at my joy was this; before Mark had arrived for dinner, I'd ploughed through my archive of emails and made a new file of all the correspondence between myself and a certain Dick Wolf character on the internet- all the emails, the social networking messages and any Skype files. There was no way that any of this was unknown to the police unless there were multiple Dick Wolfs and they were snowed under eliminating those that were not Dogrup Rancour. They could know. They might be biding their time, waiting to see what would happen, wondering which way I would jump. Either way it took me less than twenty minutes of reading to realise that I was caught in the middle of something that I immediately wanted out of. This would be a first- never in the whole of my career had I abandoned a case.
My Dick Wolf was Rancour alright- the family history was barely disguised in the texts and he had drawn me in with a shared love of poetry and a mutual interest in Carl Panzram. When his second marriage reached a low ebb he had started writing me tentative love letters which every month grew more intense and sexually graphic. There was no mistaking what he imagined himself doing with me in virtual reality and there was the very clear intimation that he wanted to transfer these desires to real life. At that suggestion and with the letters reaching ever greater heights of perversity I abandoned the communication. He would still contact me intermittently- obviously something compelled him to but I largely ignored them. In any case, I had just found out that he had been playing the same sordid mind games with another internet friend of mine, a happily heterosexual Irish poet from Dublin. Nobody likes to be two-timed, even by a web troll meddling with insanity.
My mind was made up. I elected to take a shower and then phone in and inform the authorities that I was taking myself off the case- my impartiality was irredeemably compromised and I was quite prepared to proffer up all of the proof. They would still, of course, require some form of interim assessment of Dogrup from me. On that matter I would have to be careful, utterly professional, because I am angry, fucking furious with myself.
Carl Panzram hated labels. Dogrup Rancour hates labels. I loathe them, yet in some shape or form our sexualities share a commonality. Maybe the key is to concentrate not so much on what we are but on all those things that we most definitely are not. When Carl and Dogrup make all that public show and charade of what they are not, my instincts are to suspect that that behaviour is a major clue as to who they actually are.
Last year, [God knows I've struggled] last year I finally and for all time retreated from a transgender programme and accepted myself fully as a homosexual man. A man who is biologically set up to find other men far more sexually attractive to himself than a woman. I would go even further and say- this man, this me, does not have any sexual feelings for the laughably named fair-sex, none whatsoever; does not want to imitate her or adopt her role in society in any shape or form. I was not born to shop, ape motherliness or make a living out of marrying heterosexual men. I was not so on trend as to be a lesbian with balls and a dick. I have had no ambition to bang my head against glass ceilings until they crack. Mass concepts of 'beauty' and 'prettiness' make me want to chuck-up.
What Dogrup Rancour needs, it seems to me, is a reality check and a protective programme of counselling and if the authorities see fit to conduct that 'within the community' rather than in a secure place then so be it. I am not a parliamentarian, I don't make the laws. How is it ever going to become my problem again?
Power showers pretend to have the power to shower away it all, everything that corrupts and appals but they are just part of the countless human devices that promise much yet deliver considerably less. I have worked some cases where it has taken three showers before I felt fresh enough to slip into clean clothes- but then I have worked a few where I have had no other course but to incinerate everything I was wearing including shoes. One cost me my father's Rolex watch- you don't want to check the hour and every time you do be reminded of the worst crime ever, something way beyond the darkest imaginings of the greatest crime writers who are, incidentally, women. Put it this way- since the incident concerned I have been quite unable to look at any pregnant woman anywhere in the world without thinking why the fuck is she pregnant and what in hell is the unfortunate baby intended for?
That is what the various shit scared faiths loathed most about Darwin- his irrefutable evidence that we have evolved not much more than a spit from the jungle however you struggle with that word; urban jungle or third world jungle. Natural selection seems to have neglected to breed out of us shooting ourselves in our feet. Without question, it renders us far less progressive than the HIV virus. Hell, we still have no idea what 85% of our brain mass is intended for.
I open the upper window to let steam escape. It allows noise to enter. The bathroom is by the outside stairwell and I like to hear life come to and fro, I like it every bit as much as the high and low tides of the river. Then I get it- for the first time in my whole career I choose to share my fears with my new partner; I don't even know if he is a partner yet but, inside me, I am instinctively craving clarity and objectivity; no matter how hard you try that is something you never get to grips with on your own. Of course, if he's got any sense, he'll run a mile. With the shower off, I can hear and smell the magic of breakfast so my bet is that he won't. Dressed in a black T and black jogging bottoms I take a deep breath and venture to say good morning.
He says- is there an atheist alternative to that damned word good?
Good start Mark.
Toasted bagels, real butter, Marmite and a ginger preserve. Espresso.
My favourites. How could you possibly have known?
[Together they said.] It was all there was. [They laughed]
Are you always so alive in the morning Mark?
Oh no. I seldom have anything good or godly to celebrate.
I don't understand.
Last night. Last night was grand. Last night was way more than grand.
I knew I'd say too much too soon.
Oh no. Its not that. Fuck! I feel the same way too but..
I knew it.
Isn't there always a but.
Maybe. But this but is so far off your radar you are just not going to believe it. And I'm shit scared it might scupper our chances of taking our relationship further.
What? I mean, what was that word you said?
That's the one. Is that what you think this is- a relationship?
Yes. I thought it might be.
Oh. Well, so do I.
Thank fuck for that.
Well, best we get on with it then. Now what is this little problem of yours? You start telling me and I'll toast some more bagels.
We leave habitually together at 8 am. I am always home first but never by much. I pick up both our mail and leave it on a large glass coffee table by a picture window for later sorting. I like to be in my scruffs to deal with the usual banalities of it. By 'scruffs' I mean clean casual clothes and that always demands that I shower the detritus of my day away. Today I sectioned three people and one will most certainly never see the light of true freedom ever again. The others were friends of sorts, thrown on the scrap heap, sex slaves of eastern European origin, certain they were possessed by demons and driven to do unspeakable things by the voices in their heads. Both coke users, tested HIV positive and had been caught stealing wallets in Oxford Street. As yet the 'unspeakable things' can only be seen as alleged because no-one has been able to decipher their many confessions. Give them chalk and a board and they instantly draw priests copulating with boys and the Pope blessing their fun. All very lack lustre yet they could be hiding truly vile crimes. We shall see. Evidence of pregnancy but the denial of the existence of babies was a great cause of worry.
In a hurry I neglected to open the top bathroom window. My total senses were quickly enthralled by a warm monsoon- stupid really, such an excess of steam has always distracted me, in fact irritated me. The mood forced me to rush, quite the opposite of what I'd intended. I was almost at the end of the final edit on my book 'The Panzram Papers'- one more session and it would all be behind me. There were some things that just screamed to be finished.
I opened the post wrapped in soft towelling warmed by radiators. Rubbish. Rubbish. Fuck! The finishing post to my book was staring me starkly in the face and here was an official letter concerning Dogrup Rancour aka Dick Wolf and who knows who else. The gist was simple- he had been finally transferred to an open care-in-the community care house in Camden Locks. Electronic tagging had been deemed inappropriate although he was subject to curfews. The transfer had taken place fourteen days previous and the process of re-settlement had gone smoothly. I was to report any contact with him however brief. Shit! Did the bastard ever have access to my private address? Think.
Where was Mark?
Did the same fuck-up staff who told him I shared a similar interest in Carl Panzram  give him anymore nuggets- a vicinity, anything? Think.
I speed dressed into white jogging bottoms and a white T. Catching sight of myself in a mirror, I looked like death, breathless, cooking up a panic attack. Where was Mark? Phone Mark?
Straight to answerphone. Mark, where are you?
Then the doorbell rang.
Mark! You idiot! Why are you always losing your keys.
Relieved, I opened the door. There was Dogrup Rancour- soft, scrubbed up, sweet as a lamb. Not something to immediately scream at.
Pushing me in gently and quietly closing and locking the door behind him, he said- I think you and me should talk ladyboy. We've got a fucking lot of left over fat to chew.
Ever the professional, I knew straightaway I was a dead man or something far worse; besides, Mark, the man I loved, was well overdue. And, even though I had never in my whole life believed a word of it, I found myself saying to myself- there is hope, ye dope among so many countless dopes there is still fucking hope. The Gods of all the faiths say so, and they never ever lie, they never ever let so much as one of us down do they mama? Mama?
Dogrup said that if I made any sound whatsoever or spoke without being spoken to that he would shoot me between the eyes: he showed me what I took to be a real gun with a silencer fitted. I believed him. He was power-tripping in the skin of Panzram. It was a bite from history. [Please. Please don't bite me.]
How is the book coming on, he asked, ripping out the phone-lines and slipping my mobile into a bowl full of washing-up water. Must be finished by now.
Oh it is, bar the very last bit of the final edit.
He took me into the bedroom I shared with my lover and enquired, where do you keep your sex toys, the lube, that kind of thing. They were not well hidden and when he'd made a selection he took me back to the lounge.
Get undressed, he told me. In the long run, compliance buys time, so there was no argument.
If you had tits, he said, I might even say you were pretty. But don't you get carried away, I ain't going to suck your dick even though it does look like a nipple in its present state. [The fear was working then- no danger of me belittling him in these circumstances.] Out of his bag he pulled knives and laid them on the glass coffee table.
The scar tissue on my cock, he said, gives me an L-shaped stiffie, impossible to shag or wank with. This magic mushroom in my head, my black truffle- well, give us a month or less and I'll be dead. You can see my position. You've got to respect a dying man's last wishes. Do you hear me?
Well I haven't climaxed in over a year? I figure that with a bit of prostrate massage from the inside you can put that sorry position right for me.
You want me to fuck you?
No you cunt, I want you to fuck me with this. [He was waving a large but pliable black dildo]. How many fucking times do I have to tell you that I'm not a queer. BUT, not being a queer does not mean that I am required to be a stranger to the pleasures that you gays fucking get to enjoy. Why should you have all the fun. Look at this, [He took off his clothes and he was hairless.] I even got it tattooed on my chest 'I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL'. Now, fucking lube me up and shag the living daylights out of me. I think given the circumstances its the very least you can do.
Do I have a choice? He waved the gun at me by way of answer.
Gun in hand he bent over the glass coffee table. He was licking his knives before whispering 'begin'.
I did what I had to do. And it was practiced and deep and repeated and eventually Rancour came like a train- his climactic spunk flowing across the sharp blades he had laid out on the table like blobs of wallpaper paste. He was breathless with joy and pain and sheer exertion and he was crying real tears. But the tears did not tally with his sudden sneering.
The real climax was yet to come.
Hey you British poof, he leered at me, drunk on endorphins, ever been an active  party to a patient's suicide by psychiatrist. He picked up the cum smeared knifes and started slashing violently at his own neck; he head-butted the glass table shattering it; he thrust his head and neck through the picture window and rolled his vulnerable flesh around the great shards of glass until he could move no more.
I have never screamed so loudly in all my life.
In an upmarket residential area of Putney London, cascading glass followed by screams like that invariably work better than dialling the emergency services.
You have a visitor.
I do?
It's Mark, you know Mark?
Do I?
Hello darling.
Who are you?
Sweetheart its Mark, your boyfriend.
Always late Mark?
Always loses his keys Mark?
What have you been up to.
Oh, writing.
Still writing.
Yes. Its a very very big book. Look- hundreds of volumes.
The room contained approximately 30 orange shelves the majority of which were stuffed with shining black notebooks, all of them used, every page covered.
Can I see your latest addition?
Of course- here it is. New. Different.
Mark opened up the notebook and, as always on these occasions, his heart sank a little; there it was again, the very same phrase repeated over and over, exactly the same as in all the hundreds of other notebooks, in capitals:-
'I  wrote the book 'The Panzram Papers' and it took bites out of me.'
Excellent, Mark said, would you like some tea.
Yes I would. Yes I jolly well would. Who did you say you were?
Mark went to the multi-dispenser and began the often repeated process.
The nurse/carer came to him and offered him some assistance saying- much more of this sort of thing and people will be calling you a saint.
Mark let out a great sigh, a combination of relief and irritation. Then he replied- I have no truck with saints and, even if I did, I would fall way short of qualifying; ha, like most of them did probably. Everything about mankind is a scam. And 'this sort of thing' as you put it, the weekly visits, they've got to come to an end. In fact this will be the last one. My last one ever. You see, life is never as the eternally happy-clappy and as all the deluded would want it to be- a thornless bed of sweet smelling roses. It is a sewerage plant, a shit processing farm attempting to divest our miserable inventions of lives of all the necessary natural harm. Besides, I'm cheating on him. Fucking cheating as life bids us to. And, fed up with lying through my teeth, I'm moving on. Not that he will ever know any different.
Oh. Right.
Yes, right. That is the bare bones right of it. We should have a lot more of that in my opinion. And, for good measure, your boss has been informed; and I have no doubt whatsoever that I'll be replaced soon enough by an equal stranger, a sincere volunteer, some deluded evangelist believing that they have God on their side and that prayer works miracles. The system talks about empathy but they won't be gay. There's no money worries here, the tax-payer is paying the bill.
The Unites States of America executed Carl Panzram by public hanging. It was his passionately, often spoken of, wish. The man loathed with venomous hatred every word of 'the too much too late', hideously righteous and indulgent campaign to have his chosen punishment reduced to life imprisonment. On more than a few occasions he'd spat in great arcs of spittle in the faces of all those who suggested it- the 'Godly' ones come to gawp at the monster with a limp; the awesome creature that their poisonous 'goodness' had created. He knew death intimately. Death was his university and his master's degree.
Death was his only constant friend. In the end-game, Death and him, they did whatever they did with each other by mutual consent. Romantics would write that they dated for a while before finally giving out.
Chris Madoch © 2012. All Rights Reserved.
A great effort needed to be made with what she called her Dalek walking frame over rising and uncertain ground; over short orchard grass, like carpet, fitted right up to the French doors; on a shingle driveway; through longer park grass hiding rabbit runs and mole-hills: the expedition amounting to almost a quarter of a mile to the reward of the weathered wooden bench by a  wooden floating jetty. See it.
Monet lilies bobbled on a two acre lake- she was always angered with her exhaustion at getting there, most times rewarded by the relief of the seat and the soothing view of forever farmland; Glenda, seventy-she-forgets, wretched with regrets, constantly sought compensations but seldom found them and today, she deduced glumly, did not have the look of a  beautiful pattern breaker. The unusual bummer. Feel it.
The normal informality of the sky made her groan with a familiar lightweight boredom.
It took a swift fly-by from her rescue taupe Greyhound bitch to make her smile.
Large common carp rippled the underbellies of the lily pads right in her eye-line where bright turquoise and black brilliantine brooches hovered- raw inspiration to art-nouveau jewellers, things troubling the warmed air. Short lived winged things desperate for sex.
It was then, exactly then, that she saw, as clear as day, she was fast approaching breathing her last. Imagine.
Not panic but joy washed her- death crowned her wish-list in silver ink surrounded by starbursts of gold. How to celebrate the event. It deserved, at the very least, an intemperate bout of introspection and a lengthy talking out loud to herself. She always was the best of audiences for what she had to say.
There was no-one else to hear but Breeze, the lavender grey dog, and a myriad other living things with the ears if not the mind to, who could light the waiting fuse and, doubtless- let the end journey begin with a magnificent bang.
Breeze settled at her small feet. A Celtic knot of washed out purple constancy.
’Fucking cunts. No proper manners.
They see 'old', a someone no stranger to mould, and service immediately turns to dust- never mind who’s calling the tune and paying the piper.
They charge over the odds for starters and then to finish there’s the VAT- tax, no wonder the bloody cats are fat; they milk it for far more than it’s worth and then they cream it like there’s no tomorrow. Balls. Butter balls. Cheesy jumped up thieves the lot of them.
If we were French they’d be dead. Long gone. 
If we were French we’d smell of cheese, the potential to revolt- as is. Here it's shit, that’s as it is.
In every litre of air there are measurable degrees of faecal matter, arguably human and most likely foreign. How cosy are we with our cosmopolitan ways that, we not only ingest shit with every fusion meal- increasingly common in the mixed crucible cities, but we now breathe in the poop soup of our ghetto neighbours. I’m not sure I’m altogether ready for my lungs to be raped by rectal detritus from the colonies. I may have felt differently if I’d been intimate with a black man.
Having sex with someone you might as well breakfast on each other’s bowel movements. We’ve always prioritised pleasure before health.
Whatever happened to my Vietnamese pot-bellied pig? Oh yes.
Thank God for abattoirs and crematoriums still in the hands of the proper British. The Muslims hate pigs. The Muslims hate dogs. The Muslims hate all other non-Muslims. What's left to love that's worth loving unless black is your frame of mind, your temper and your cloth of choice. God! I can actually make an argument for pitying them.
God- I have so many issues with the concept of God it's quite beyond me why I ever mention the cunt. Of course one of my best decisions ever was giving up practice as a Consultant Psychiatrist- a Jungian practiced in sharp practice, I was quite given to self harm. Cutting. Odd God, the cunt, took me to the brink of the unthinkable.
I could do with an injection now.
I could do with being sixteen again, fired up by sexual urgency, spirited and fearless, veins flooding with dreams of giving birth. A hungry puppy. A pig struck by lightning- there’s a thing.
The squealing. It's always touched my inner Goddess. Gosh! How fucking gushing.’
Glenda quiet, counting heart-beats.
Glenda's first fuck-n-fumble was on Mykonos with the island in commercial adolescence- the bars and cars were there, cafes, restaurants but with no glut of disgusting jewellers or galleries that lay in wait as they do today for the American green-back or the plastic guts of those vast sky-scraping cruise liners that are disgorged as regularly as time and tide allow.
The wind would spin the sails of the windmills then. 
Just European voices threaded through them.
To get there required trouble and resolve- there was no airport.
Glenda’s parents had the money and the grit to overcome most obstacles; modern or careless, a mix of both, they often left her to fend for herself so, frequently, there was no obstacle to her pursuing her flowering lusts while they followed theirs- an overbearing obsession with the arts, photography and trim nudism.
Occupying a four acre olive grove a mile off-road, the two substantial villas shared a pool and the 24hr services of the only neighbours- the cook, cleaner; her husband the gardener and handyman; Alex, their fourteen  year old son, who was profoundly deaf. There was also a cloud of white hens bothered by an unreliable rooster.
The other villa had found favour with a family from Hampshire- an eleven year old girl and her eighteen year old brother never to be seen without his wheelchair.
'I had actually rid myself of my virginity with the help of a medium sized yellow zucchini. Well buttered. It was never a malignant issue- I was always prepared to be the cat killed by curiosity. 
Already a lapsed Catholic I had, very young, moved into anti-theism. The mentally ill believers had always made sexual activity the Pink Elephant in every room.
I was never one to embrace such poisonous claustrophobia dressed up as piety and obeyance. I read absolutely everything I could about sex and erotica. That is how I knew then that some wit had once referred to a cunt as a cat with its throat cut.
Anaiis Ninn. De Sade. Lawrence. You should see my library. The higher shelves a dust trap now. London was on boil with endless eager queues of people wishing to purchase the Chatterley volume. Dirty macs, as they call them now, were all the fashion then. All the delighted customers had their books popped into the requisite brown paper bag. The useless discretion of it made me laugh. I already had an early copy bought pre-trial. I used to sit on the London Tube with it, reading it in plain view. If you have no truck with deceit that is what you do and fuck the consequences.
As I remember, the contrast between the outside light and the inside dark of the double height barn could not have been more extreme and the small slit in the nearly closed doors was made doubly inviting. Of course I saw it as a gate between two worlds.
There were smells of nature and nurture in there mushrooming upwards at my every step.
Alex put his very private self inside me clumsily and rocked, and the handsome young man in the wheelchair watched, but it was his breathing that my passionate mind had properly connected to. We rapidly synchronised gasps.
On 'planet Alex' and ruled entirely by the thrumming in his frenum the boy had no idea that my orgasm had nothing whatsoever to do with him. He was just a tool- a mere fleshed out aspect of a complex spell, something part pagan part Catholic patriarchal I had actually dreamed of and now had brought to pass.
Losing my virginity like that, to a human sausage as opposed to a vegetable, I felt empowered with feminine guile and cruelly dismissed the lucky youth I'd used. He was still dripping as he zipped himself up just before he shot out of the barn like a freaked kitten.
Edmund in his wheelchair had not moved.
Going to him was the least I could do. I took his trembling hand and pressed it high between my thighs where his fingers could dabble in the mess of the still warm recent sex. Strange. He appeared to enjoy grooming my wet pubic hairs.
I went to explore his not unbuttoned shorts. He caught me swiftly with a look of profound loss- at least, I imagine I thought that's what it was. In any event it stopped me prying. He immediately withdrew his hand and lavished it upon his lips and nose. His tongue slavered at it. I had no idea whether to feel disgust or not. I just adjusted my clothing and walked away head high. I did look back- you always look back, it is unavoidable. I feel certain he was crying, softly sobbing; yes definitely crying.
I kept myself to myself for the rest of the stay. What was done was done. I'd grown suddenly bored with all of them. A trait of my mother's. There was nothing to say. I guess it might have been part of a coping mechanism- coping with the growing fear of a pregnancy.
A particular joy on the laborious journey home was the sudden need I had to borrow a sanitary towel from my very sanitary mother. She was all smiles and unforced empathy “Darling” she said to me, “From now on we shall be just the best of friends, confidantes.” My mother was finding it difficult to keep herself afloat in a whole lake full of slurry like that. I didn't believe her for a minute. She had always deliberately gone out of her way to ensure that sentimental love could never flourish.'
The greyhound's snout rubbed against the folds in her dropped left stocking. Chill thoughts had begun to hang around the edges of the view. They were not loafing so much as biding their time. You could sense their anticipation like an approaching shower of summer rain- they will have licked their lips, have greasy hair surrounded by flies, smell adolescent.
Even Death must have his apprentices, all much like plumber's mates eager to have the thread screwed the right way; at the  finish of all that training the rewards were high. Ending a life is no easy task, it is highly skilled- anyone might be inclined to have it raised to an art. Not just anyone, that is very plain.
At the lake edge there were tall water grasses, their seeds packed tightly into cigar shaped packages. They wavered slightly just like the constant flow of lies from the White House.
Yes- why would arguably the most powerful man in the world put something he would much rather smoke inside the slippery vulva of a monstrously stupid intern? Did he crave some arcane mix of labial saliva and nicotine? If it was a Cuban cigar maybe he was sending a message to Castro. Maybe the cigar was bigger than his erect dick. Clinton was so showered with earthly gifts there had to be some witty setback he perceived of as a disability. That owl at the fucking Grove had all the answers to how the corruption in Presidents flourished without interruption. Bill dick-head. Genius IQ.
Glenda knew the glue that stuck women to such men.
GLENDA SPEAKING: Glenda speaking of her best.
'Oh Breeze, you never lose the taste or the aroma of your best. And you'd know better than me. He's with me every day. Yes. The best lovers can make a proper dog of you. See, my nose is twitching now. I can summon him up, just like that, in all his glorious incongruous beauty.
No- not classical.
Just sex on fatted calves and consummately creative.
Let's watch him swim to that jetty and haul his naked beastliness out. I wonder that the carp don't nibble between his thrashing legs. I would. In a flash I would. I have.
Dead now of course.
Long time- well you have to be mind blind or thoroughly stupid to expect life to be kind. Some say they've had it all- the liars. Well- what's the odds. We are neither gods or demi-gods; none of us managed to summon up the rain in times of drought.
Doubt. Yes, that is all there has ever been.
You can scream for certainty all you damn well like- the basis of all your mischievous prayer is no better than wishing over a rotting bowl of tripe. I had a psychic friend once- lost to alcohol; live on old enough and they all go before you: she never bothered with crystal balls and ceremonials. She used to read puddings, English Trifles- how very apt I always thought.
His rugby team-mates always called him Bill.
I made him feel special by using William in general and 'beast' when we were between the sheets, even when no sheets were involved whatsoever. He called his cock Jack- Jack, sack and crack. Sometimes I'd say let me watch- oh please beast let me see you jack Jack off.
I was far too addicted to his seminal outpourings to let it happen that often. But he was always quite the showman about it and afterwards he always ravaged me with his sticky fingers. They were such epileptic orgasms he needed to fill my mouth with his fist for my own safety.
The first day William changed into my beast I strolled into the guest-room quite expecting him to be there. I was wearing just a fine silk dressing gown, black background smothered with rust chrysanthemums- rather Chinese or Japanese. Either way I felt uneasy in its vulgar obsessiveness and could not wait to have it ripped off me by large hands.
Nothing beats the sheer elegance of nudity- both sexes, all races, every age, if your brains have not been beaten to a pulp by any prevailing yardstick of beauty: nothing could be more ludicrous than some contorted concoction of beauty. We are not robots.
Anyhow Breeze, who the fuck are these makers and shakers encouraging us constantly to deviate from the natural differences we should be glorying in and forcing some fashionable gravitation towards a sameness, a plain and plastic commonality? It has all the thrill of Lego.
Maybe that's what it means- fashion, to fit.
Besides- it fails miserably. Constantly fails. Vogue seems not to have noticed. The idiots.
It grieves me when women self-harm with such mediocrity- becoming sheeple is one thing, but to become mentally challenged sheeple is quite something else. I cannot abide it. It or the damp fuse of feminism. The rise and fall of feminazism. I've read their rise and the fall. Are any of them shamefaced? Not at all. Well- they are like large glass preserving jars with one uncracked walnut rattling around in it. Shit at most things because they have spread themselves far too thin and piss poor love-makers because they have taken Hollywood and particularly Hollywood porn as their template.
I have watched 'Housewives of Beverly Hills' and 'Housewives of Orange County' just for the fun of it. Ever curious, with voracious for the cheap and the spurious, we are still in the 18th century, visiting the local madhouse, for a spot of light relief, after church and Sunday lunch.
Well yes, I am rambling. Dear dear me, gambling with the few minutes I have left.
Haute Couture. Cordon Bleu. Ways with stuff with knob polishing and bells and whistles on to boot lucre from our bank into theirs. The jumped up thieves.
That Armani death said a lot- a scandalous way to jump ship, something I rather relished; then the Catholic family immediately at war behind locked rococo doors, preying on the spoils; the subsequent design decline into skinny and luminous glitzy 'gipsy' chic. The bog standard stupid rich still suckered into buying it.
I have always bucked the insidious trend of it and always somehow managed to have been labelled eccentric. Lobster and lime, more beads than they have in the Vatican City, ethnic and all possible twists on ethnic, healthy open crotch knickers.
Eccentric- the only tag, incidentally, that I can abide. Fashion and fashioning- the sheer, very near see-through utter cheek of it. It used to make my mood quite dark, noir, negrito, black shot of coffee, until I realised that it was only the wealthy who ever really set their clocks by it, put out and kept the whole charade afloat.
Fuck them, the unnecessary ones- just love watching them getting stung and having the blood and the piss extracted from them. Chumps Breeze, that's what they are, malefic chumps.
I'd sat myself on the edge of his double bed, my weight sculpting the fat eiderdown- its polished cotton cover the colour of dull copper, crisscrossed by ivy and white trailing columbines, bindweed in flower, all intertwined. Far too busy. I could watch him sniff the air.
He was perfectly aware that I was there and, I presumed, elected to be not in the least coy. Raising himself out of the bath-water I saw his biceps pump to labouring plump. This man had worked and he had work within him. Dripping wet but towelling his head, eyes properly hidden, he was there full square on to me, a thing I might examine from a distance with immense delight. I could read his glistening body, complete with all its special imperfections, like the blind do books. 
I asked if I could dry him, take off every last bead of errant water from everywhere, and he thought about it then finally agreed. This would be an exciting and energetic prelude to my first Braille session with his unique skin. He'd been using vintage sandalwood soap. As I attended to between his toes I let my eyes get drunk on the breathtaking closeness of him, then knocked back shots of his auburn pubic hairs, his relaxed scrotal sac, his freckling, his ruffled foreskin. All these things moist and begging for my close attention.
He went to towel his own arse-crack but I stopped him. A deal was a deal I said- I would happily deal with that. And rubbing him there, where I could smell truffles, lit the smouldering fuse no blaze of tongues of flame could ever resist. He lifted me clean out of my gown- rag-doll limp at the sight of his sudden stiffness, threw me onto sacred space, the cotton cool, and splayed my legs. His face dipped well below my eye-line. I lost count of time. How long his beard and tongue fed upon my way-south lips I couldn't say. 
Eventually I screamed it- FUCK ME: it was both an open invitation and a very prescient exclamation.
And being the gentleman that he was he did fuck me- every which way, though not anal, not that first time. That came later, following a private screening of Passolini's 'Salo'. Yes- I used Black Sambuca as a form of anesthetic. He got shit on his freckled dick and would not let me lick it. That night was both painful and pathetic. It was the first night and the first night past our zenith.
You know these things.
It was that peculiar night that kept coming back to me, a cup of tea in my trembling hand, uniformed policeman in the  sitting room, me being helped to understand the reality that William had died in a car accident. A shitty dick.
Crash- I kept correcting them, didn't they at least know that nothing was ever an accident.
They wanted me to identify the body. I said no. I said no, it wouldn't be him at all, not with any signs of life in it. They were quite insistent but I absolutely refused. I gave them the name of his dentist. Let them go to work at whatever it is policemen do- policework, detecting. At that time, in any event, regardless of the reality of the circumstances, he was still very much alive in my heart.
Indeed so Breeze, and much the same today, way too many lonely years on.'
Glenda retrieved a tin of fishy smelling fish food-pellets from her rope coloured Hessian bag, arced the lot across the lake surface, some bits hitting open water like hail stones, others grabbing a short lived ride on the lily pads; the coots or the most muscular carp would retrieve those.
The sheer effort of it made her clutch at her right breast and sink quickly back upon the bench gasping for air. The carp were there, doing much the same, tormenting the water with a rabid boil of fin and tail- their mouths like the hidden valves inside our body come to light, opening and closing with the stench of sex. Fish to fish.
Glenda, having survived a test run must now rest. She was in transition.
[Yes. He was her best. You meet the one and love consumes your allotted time together like a fire in a log shed. And then they are gone. It makes people lurch across the threshold of a barmy church whose stall is stacked with jam jars filled with balm, a salve for sorrows. None of it works. Vultures of delusion feed greedily on the corpse of your happiness, cheered on by congregations, priests and bishops. Glenda had been shunned by society at large for having batted off these evil birds with blasphemous words, umbrellas and walking sticks, anything that came to hand, her teeth, her fists, the most explicit obscenities.
Fuck the cunting villagers for their slurry of opaque piety.
Glenda never quaked in her bed in the dead of the night fearful of the truth.
She knew they did. And they knew she knew their fear. They kept a careless distance, mumbling she was a witch or at least a  communist and coveting her acres.]
Swans had never nested here despite the island. No great loss. They were such irascible hissing things- could break human limbs with their ugly angelic wings. Glenda had had some experience of them.
In Winchester she'd walked the exact same walk that Keats had walked allegedly composing his famous 'Ode to Autumn'; the river bank at the back of Winchester Public School, a pre-historic conical hill dividing the distant view. That day the air was thick was omens. She had come across a freshly dead shrew, vastly pregnant, in the middle of the worn grass path. She touched it. It was not yet fully cold.
A half a mile later she saw a dead bird plummet from the sky and pierce the river. It seemed a great way to die- to not know the moment and to be still locked in full flight, already flying in defiance of the gravity of graves. It was not long before she was charged at by a livid swan, a frightful ordeal.
Returning home she passed a river weir. There was a panic of people there, helpless as what to do. Cygnets had been outwitted by the current and were being swept away from their parents. The parents seemed unruffled: preening as they sailed in oblivious elegance, part of an altogether happier painting, the pretty face that would not ever deem to attach itself to catastrophe.
Glenda made a long lasting mental note.
Religions deal with disasters in the most unnatural and self-serving ways- out of their shit God always rises smelling of the sickening rose that symbolises the cunt of Mary the Mother Of Jesus. Like a surprise and not so welcome guest- just like fresh fish, 'The Almighty He' goes off after three days.
On the tenth anniversary of William's passing on, Glenda drove to a bar in Wisborough Green and drank too much.
She had become rigid, immobilised for 11 seconds- too long to ignore. A lame mist of rain was mithering at her face but she was grateful of it.
GLENDA SPEAKING: Glenda speaking of her worst.
'The day I chose to get drunk because I could not, any longer, hold tight to my not much addressed grief, the rain was light and drifting just like this. Yes.
I'm coming, but I have to get this off my near defunct chest. It lives nowhere else.
No note exists. It needs an airing.
Don't ever give a child a kite without giving them the wind to fly it. Yes.
We lived in Paris once- an apartment on the fourth floor. My parents bought me a model yacht- totally forgot the pond or a stretch of water safe from drowning, the clowns or paedophiles. Sh! Sh! Never mind all that.
In the local pub they stared at me as if I was a ghost.
Almost- a total stranger, but also so strange being that familiar to them all, a topic of gossip. I was wearing chalk and dust but that's beside the point, my lipstick was the brightest red I had in my collection. Never used. Had I overdone the rouge? Perhaps. My hair was faux Monroe. Lavender high heels. It must have looked to everyone that I had somewhere to go.
Just. Just, just let me cough. That's it.
This cold is new, chilly. I am being told. Am I being told? And I am one of those who loathes being told. Wait. Wait will you. Just fucking wait. I absolutely demand it.
Oh William you beast, at the very least hold back these busy bargemen's hands until I have discharged my fortunate disgrace. And, excuse me if you think it disgusting of me to smirk but, I really do believe that the rape was the making of me. All my reasons to employ the elements of femininity I called feyness and frailty just upped and went.
Ha. Every scripture I had ever read had intimated that all acts of violence were heaven sent.
Sh! Just sh!
Can you hear the evening closing in? It's way too soon I'm telling you.
Too early by maybe two hours.
Why not. It's not like I have an earthly choice.'
Breeze, suddenly troubled in herself, began to signal it- she repeatedly made a figure of eight in and out of Glenda's legs, interrupted now and then by a brief visit to an outlying rock nearby where, once atop, she could look keenly through 360 degrees in search of any possible help. There never was any. Dog desperation is almost always slow in coming. When it arrives it eases every agitation and becomes chillingly placid. They know far better than us when the game is up.
Glenda gazed softly down at her canine companion with far more than love, something you would not dare describe. Never in her 86 years had she been without a dog. She'd always embraced their eminence over men without the slightest fear- it had been wholly communicated and brought a rich reward.
But then there were dog-men, near humans tagged by their history of violence; it was not considered right to have them collared and labelled, attached to leads and left tied up outside shops, whilst inside ugly babies shat and pissed their nappies with no regard for hygiene or screamed despite the health and safety laws. Where pregnant women broke their waters in the cereal aisle. Where men of the cloth attached to colostomy bags leaked gross aromas suited to their poisonous calling. No- don't shoot the dog-men, letting their remains find their way into the pig food-chain where they deserve to be, no, coddle them and screw their screwed victims twice over. Let them breed- their rubbish DNA is sacrosanct. Attach them almost permanently to the many tits of benefits- it works out cheaper than imprisoning them. And it is a part of what it is we believe makes us have a right to lay claim to being civilised. What would Glenda say?
With Breeze away on the rock again, Glenda attempted to hook her walking frame with her foot, to pull it towards her, she succeeded in achieving the opposite effect; the thing that looked like a TV aerial designed to pick up broadcasts from the Moon wilfully slid away from her and made a nest of the reeds at the lake edge where it glared at her like silver litter. Why try escaping when escape is impossible, it seemed to be saying.
'Well yes. There is no use screaming the rapists said. We will do what we intend to do and then be on our way. And the prick of the blade tip between my shoulder blades underpinned what they had said. Brothers. I knew them. And their Dad, a sifter of stolen goods, set-up as look-out, smoking under the one down light in the pub car-park. My car in the gloom already broken into- the back doors yawning as if bored by all the fuss.
The younger of the two disgusting pups needing blooding in the ways of cunts.
So. That was the stunt. It was his hand across my mouth. The debutante. It was trembling and smelled of warm plastic- probably a mobile phone. He wants to take you from behind. He doesn't want to have to see your face. Harsh, uncouth use of English, fresh now, as if it were hissed at me yesterday.
It was over almost as soon as it began.
The only good thing that could be said about it was that the dick on legs had worn a condom. I heard him zipper up. That and all the good-bye footsteps on the gravel. I lay there recouping in the all enveloping velvet dark. The bar still bright- brash with light. I knew the local police had joined a lock-in. Sifting through all of my options, doing nothing immediately seemed by far the best thing. The worst sex ever.
Yes. Maybe we have not all been raped. But we could all of us make lists of the worst sex ever.
There. And that I wanted to be pregnant by it was true.
A young fifty two- you never know do you. I remember looking at the cold residue in the unknotted rubber with some resentment. William may have reincarnated as my child. I could have put him to my breast again.
That final cry of alarm or recognition was quite half-hearted, a thing under rehearsed. It was her earthly last. Transition happening.
Breeze, a knot of sadness and dismay, curled at Glenda's still warm feet, still not quite admitting utter defeat. The dog's coat quickly lost its sheen and dressed itself in hopelessness. The small rain growing. The bench, a place of endings now, appeared to incorporate the body in a hug.
The clock inside the dog's body ran for two hours when, as night finally set in, it stopped painlessly.
A new beginning made brief, Breeze was gone in empathy, following her mistress in her guardian sleep.
Chris Madoch Copyright 2013. All Rights Reserved.